Okami and the Omoi

Right now....okami.....is so beautiful. in every brush stroke you can see the loving detail given to the child that's born. It's really something else....how can i describe it.....hmm okay well take John Coltrane's My Favourite Things and then imagine yourself as the wind thats flowing behind Shiranui/Ammy. you feel like you're flying behind her with the flowers growing behind you....it's like a revelation in itself to feel that alive. I maybe starting to get obsessive about the game, but the more i look at it the more wild it looks. Im surprised at the detail given into it. Whoever decided to come up with the japanese water colour effect is a genius and the celestrial brush....man crazy times. You can paint what you want how you want. We were drawing the ascension towards heaven...with faces in between. I know many people love the rice paper effect but those colours are still so trippy. I dunno, maybe im just really hyping the look up alot but i just fell in love with its grace and style. Im 6 hours in and i still haven't done much in the game - its fun just running around looking at it in 480p without looking like a scratchy Wii game with lots of jags. Watercolours....i miss them you know. Back in the day i used to watercolour on many paintings....i loved the way everything flowed into each other - like how the sky went with the flow...it was symbolic of just releasing yourself and going with the rhythm nature intended....the same rhythm that governs how the rain falls onto the ground - it's mind bending how infused humans are to all of that part of nature and yet we still try and fall away from it trying to use "logic" "reason" to seperate ourselves from nature - in reality we're just proving the strengh of nature because we're demonstrating the power of it to eventually lead us back to being a part of it....much like how Bruce Lee stated it: "Be like water"....thats what we are in reality - a part of the nature thats blossomed on this green earth - the only planet that seemingly has life in the solar system....is it really hard to believe its a miracle that we're here gracing this earth? for the cold scientists it is, the ones trying to run from nature but inevitably have to accept it beyond the box of logic they've created. Maybe the logic is a demon there to stop us from flowing? or maybe we have to use the logic and the flow of nature....thats how we become human. How do we go into the flow of nature? maybe by surpassing our fears and doubts. By leaving our sense of doubt in ourselves alone....to enter a realm of freedom - thats not pure since we can't have pure freedom due to our physical limitations but the sense of loosening our valves so that we can let the flow of the river come through into the bath tub of consciousness.

I dunno though.....i tried really hard but it fell on deaf ears....or maybe it felt like it had to be said because it'd be rude not to say it....i dunno. I can't be sad....i had my time but i choose to keep it friendly, for the better or for the worse? who knows man, who knows man. It just echoes of the past - the peaks and troughs get further from each other as it echoes. Naw it's good - i let something else grow instead....but was it my place to let it grow? Maybe i stuck my head into the sand deeper than i should have, but should i be worrying about that should? i feel like i should or "need" to find something substantial but in reality im just not fussed to accomodate the needs and wants of another person all the time....and thats the crowd i tend to address most of the time. Im no hero lol, but i feel kind of....blue. Maybe i don't have what it takes at the moment....sidelined in the luggage going to heathrow - cast as the bait for lots of different piranhas to eat and use my body as the nutrients to supplement themselves and then chew me out like a piece of grass.....i dunno im just tired of skirting around for people alot. Nothing is black and white though....balance and chi behind the different needs of myself and others. Maybe im ironically thinking of myself in this whole process and not anyone else. If i had an answer for it it'd be interesting....it's strange being away from my "normal" mental state and being able to address myself with a different mind state than normal....im more talkative right now but sad and happy for people and myself. It took me 2 years to fail and 2 weeks for someone to pass it....fucking hell. Well i got myself to think about.....i don't think right now i can accomodate many people in my frame of life at the moment....i need to chill out on that front...i don't get much back and im used as a doormat alot. Sigh man why can't i just leave it all behind for a bit you know....this meloncholy for a while....im high and attuned to everything...good, bad, happy and sad. Im tired of it....don't patronise me anymore.

Im not good enough for you lot anymore? sigh.....

when i can be "good enough"? why do i have to be good enough? am i not already? who are you to judge? maybe im just too different for you all.

I don't think you really care....you're just obliged to because i stuck through for a while. it's a shame. A damn shame.

Session 061003

Well howdy folks! here's chuck saying "goodie poodie day to you!! i was wondering when you'd buy my new album called fist full of steel - REALLLL COUNTRY FOLK BLUES YESSSIIRREEEEE! PURE ALABAMA WARES HERE, NO SHANNINIGANS, NO SIIRRREEEE!"

Im excited: i have Birdman's guitar for a while, with this amazing effects pedal. With it i can create some really and truly spaced out sounds. But it wasn't that that made me feel excited, more to do with the acoustic "session" i had afterwards that was intriguing. it felt like one of the loosest moments i've played on a guitar. even though i was using what i already knew, it felt different because my rhythm hand started to strum outside the usual box that's there, and it felt good and bad at the same time. I say that because all these thoughts came into my mind - mostly about CZ, but then they transformed into colours slowly....i was going from yellow to blue to orange on the guitar. it's really weird but thinking about that made my rhythm come out a little better than normal. Now i really want to do that with the electric because holding that guitar makes me feel the urge to play on and on. Putting on reverb, delays and the rest makes it seems escapist - like some form of magic which is meditative as well. It's bizarre but i really enjoy it, or im starting to enjoy it.

The one thing i really despise about the summer holidays is those days which are wasted on doing nothing apart from looking at the computer screen. Now im just gonna go out and about
walk around london for a bit because it's getting ridiculous. I can't run around, so i may as well walk all around London, and explore it. Im feeling crazy enough to walk from my house to central london and just enjoy the change in scenery. Maybe i might walk to someone's house who lives far off. I love being in central London, there's always this feeling of hustle and bustle - it's always full of life. Im starting to appreciate being in London alot more because of the cultural side of things - like the arts and gigs. Hell that's an idea: the tate modern! maybe i might walk it there....who knows, but for now i really want to just get out and enjoy it because it'll help clear my thoughts about certain things as well as looking for new epiphanies about guitar playing, or just in general. I've always wanted to just walk around London randomly so why not now? there's so much time to do these things.

One thing i'd be interested to see is that change in the sky. One image I love is of those skies with the really big puffy white clouds sneaking past the blue canvas, with lots of trees on the ground - like that around a stream of water, where i'm the size of an insect looking up at the sky and the stream. There's this miyazaki feel to it; where everything feels like it's being painted and there's this sense of idealism in the air - it's positively palpable and you can grab it and treasure it in your mind. That sense of wonder and excitement that you often see in Miyazaki films - especially in Spirited Away. Thats another reason why i love Miyazaki's films - they always have this sense of wonder and charm to them - none more so than Spirited Away in my opinion. There's something really heartfelt in the imagery of that film. It really does feel like a summer film, where everything seems harmonious yet hectic. The idea of no real evil in the film just makes it feel really harmonious and all credit to Miyazaki-san because of the way he weaves the story into this velvety fabric of positivity. It makes you appreciate lots of things - the trees, the earth, those that are neglected like No-Face, you're own sense of self and growth, maintaining balance in your life, being harmonious and peaceful with others and just in general good will. I can't explain how much i love that film, i knew as soon as i saw the box there was something really magical about it. I wish there'll be another animation like that again. I can't imagine something like in real life because there would be something like an imitation of positivity contained within the frames of the animation. With Miyazaki's images i think one song that captivates that feeling of summer (aside from Joe Hisaishi's brilliant score for spirited away that does it right) is The Mahavishnu Orchestra's A Lotus On Irish Streams; there's something so....peaceful and right about it. It's what got me going on the idea of a summer's day and that image that i have of it. There's something really evocative about it - it makes you feel like a Lotus on a stream; something so poignant and delicate in the way the strings are hit. It goes beyond words....it's just ethereal the way it brings about that image. I've never heard a song that instantly paints the image that it sets out to do the way that song does. Its songs like that, that make me feel Mclaughlin is a genius on that guitar and that it's not for show but it's actually there to really paint these lush images in your mind. You feel like losing yourself in that image because it evokes that goodness.

Yeah i guess that's it at the moment. I can't think of much else to say because half of it would need something more than words to actually communicate it across. That's okay though, because it's been interesting to just talk about spirited away alone - rekindling that magic is nostalgic (something i've been feeling alot of recently) and harkens back to days where i just discovered Miyazaki.

Peace.

The Fire In My Head

Yesterday was my bro's graduation - i thought it'd be a lengthy process, with 100s upon 100s of students coming up to receive their certificates and i was right :P. However it wasn't too bad since it was funny seeing my bro in a graduation gown and looking scholarly. In any case, it was nice to see that, good family event really - one where the elderlys are feeling proud of their children. Manchester is a complete contrast to London though, everything feels more industrial and more working class. There are really nice areas in Manchester though, but altogether it doesn't fit like a glove, as does London. What i do love about Manchester though, is that there's a variety of areas and they are all easy to get to - that accessibility and cultural diversity is definitely appealing. People there are more friendly and talk more than down in London where everything seems to be a rushed hello, goodbye and aggression.

One of the strangest things i did see yesterday was the actual graduation process - as soon as i walked into that hall, i felt i was walking into the tudor times - the flowing and colourful gowns and the slow march of the teachers up to the stand with their silver staffs was an odd sight and perculiar to see some English heritage in front of me. England seems to be a mishmash of various cultures so it was nice to see the actual english heritage floating in front of me. However it felt really cold and formal, much like everything involved with professionalism in this country - there didn't seem to be a really joyous feel to it, it just felt aloof. That went away when hearing the arab women olooing, and random people shouting out to the graduates coming up on stage.

After all that we went and got our pictures done which was pretty uneventful but made me realise i had to get rid of my ridiculous sideburns because they were just long for no good reason :P. Food was very nice though - some of the best apnaa (pakistani) food i've had in a restaurant. It was so good i had to have 2 plate fulls of it. It was like eating food at home - it was just quality.

Speaking of good food, me and tarik went down to this chinese restaurant in Kenton when looking for the one CZ works at, which had wicked service (the waiter took tarik's coat off and started to put it on him!) and wicked food for cheap prices. That was really nice - just sitting down at a random place and eating food and enjoying the atmosphere. Im definitely going to go there again.

But now it comes to the meat of this post. Whenever i have something to talk about or ramble on, i usually try and do it and title it with the name of a song which fits snuggly with the mood i was in yesterday and a little today. As we were going home on the 4 hour drive back, i just started to think about things (maybe i think too much who knows). I just started to get angry at how i've acted like an agony aunt to lots of people but only a few of those people have ever really try to reciprocate a friendship. I was thinking about CZ, and i realised i've been there for her for time, but after her antics atm, it just feels like why have i bothered. Most of those times even though i had felt something for her, i still helped out because she was my mate and i didn't want to see her down. Nowadays it feels like im trying to spark a friendship at the very least which was one way. I mean think about it - has she ever called to say hello? she says im a top friend but she hasn't even done that much. i just find it bizarre and frustrating, which got sparked up on monday when i found out she was calling other mates. Fair enough they've known each other for long, but i just feel like im a vague memory who was there for a while....right now it just feels like fuck it, why am i trying for a person who hasn't really tried at all?

sigh, anyways, apart from that occupying my mind, i've been having a really good summer. i can't remember a summer that's actually been this good - the freedom and randomness of just going out and doing things instead of sitting at home. there's only been a few days where i've sat all day and did nothing! so it's good to finally unwind from academic stress.

i hope everyone else is having a good summer too, god bless and my thoughts are with nostalgic memories of lots of people :).

peace out.

Ramble On

There are times when i feel like im inside of a noir film. I have this exaggerated image of myself in a raincoat and hat, smoking a cigarette gazing...gazing into something intangible. My words aren't coherent but they seem to revolve around short sentences that speak volumes, just like in noir films. The closest thing i can think of is Cowboy Bebop and Spike - he just has this vibe that oozes cool. Im not sure why i have these images....perhaps they're images of what i want to be like; which is a complete oxymoron to myself right now.

It's kind of strange you know, trying to emulate it. Well i say trying but i don't really, i just like the idea. Anyways, this is starting to sound more and more weird as i type it along.

I thought i might try something different this time and talk about pet peeves. There are 3 things that piss me off alot, especially when im in a good mood.

So what's on the list?

1) well first of, i absolutely despise it when individuals come up to me while i have my headphones on and seem to want to pester me than rather than when i have no headphones. I cannot understand the logic behind it. It's simple: Headphones on: DON'T TALK, headphones off, TALK. Jesus fucking christ, it's really annoying especially when you are zoning out to something (as you do with music) and someone comes along and just pushes that button. I swear down if it happens again i will SERIOUSLY switch and just start shouting.

2) Really really girly girls or too many girls in one place. My god, it's like you can see the damn oestrogen flying in the air with the cutesy "OMG YOU LOOK LYK SO BUFF" and all that bollocks.

3)Rich wannabe rudebois. MY GOD, CAN YOU GET ANY MORE STUPID? YOU ARE RICH KIDS WHO THINK THEY ARE FROM BLACK GHETTOS, GET OVER YOUR SPOILT SELVES. FUCKING HELL.

So for now i conclude this list because i cannot think of anything to write about. this is some sort of weird writers block type thing. but it's fun just incessantly typing because it ends up feeling like a stream rather than a constrained turd coming out of a constipated elephant.

anyways laters.

peace.

Sky

Its strange when someone says something monumentally intense to you. I don't think its hit me yet, since im still trying to make sure if i actually read what i read. Right now though, i just don't feel like whats been said has made an impact yet - its a slow going one. I thought i might try something different today; instead of writing so haphazardly i might try and focus my writing a bit more.

You know, whenever i look up at the sky, i see the shackles of responsibility being released and a certain sense of freedom. Not only that, but the sky represents a canvas of different feelings; from the blue skies of tranquility to the brooding London skies that bring about the blues. I feel....like im flying through those irregularly shaped pieces of condensation hanging on the cobalt ceiling, into the blueness of sky itself. That penumbra between earth's atomsphere and space just seems so intriguing, like a boundary that merges into both sides; it epitomises going with the flow....

Mind Ecology

If there's something influencing my thoughts right now, it's these two things: Malcolm X's autobiography and Ghost in the shell stand alone complex.

Well firstly, what is deindividuation? psychologically speaking it's the idea of a loss of individuality in large groups - therefore because of this loss of individuality, you also lose your inhibitions, some of your morality and you feel less emotionally anchored by your surroundings. The best examples of deindividuation is in football hooligan crowds, where riots occur through masses that wouldn't normally commit atrocious acts normally. Now although football hooliganism and humbleness are oceans apart, i think the idea of losing something is important. What's lost is where the two differ, and differ they do!

Well, i think in a setting such as on Hajj, where everyone is dressed in the same attire, going to the same places, but are of different colours, races but are all united by Islam, is a setting for humbleness because you lose your ego in the process of gaining brotherhood and appreciating the sheer scale of the muslim ummah around you. By contrast, in a hooliganistic setting you only lose your morality and instead gain a boost in ego.

So when talking about deindividuation, you could ask; what is controlling or leading those crowds to think as a collectively and act with emergent behaviour? well the context is obviously the most important thing - where you are seriously affects how you act: or in other words reciprocal determinism (you are influenced by your environment but you can also influence your environment), however, in crowd situations where you are more deindividuated (and i emphasise MORE rather than a full deindividuation) i believe that this form of reciprocal determinism is more of a social psychological mind rather than an individual mind.

The best example of what i mean by that is emergent behaviour in termites - who can build large complex structures through simpler tasks - like a hive mind. If anyone has seen Ghost in the shell 2: innocence, i think what Batou says beautifully sums up what im trying to say about emergent behaviour: Our buildings represent the inner working of our mental structure...society's backbone idiosyncracies built on mortar and brick.

What he demonstrates here is the social psychological mind is constructed by the collective input of all those individuals within - so all these complex behaviours are the result of a complex social customs. However, unlike ghost in the shell, i disagree that emergent behaviour can have no origin or source, because if we think about the sociological and political changes brought about via religion they originate through prophets or messengers. Certain individuals can influence and bring about changes, but these changes evolve not through majority influence, rather a change in minority influence that slowly builds up into a zeitgeist.

I think though, that ideas originate from a source but as they evolve they can change over time, a bit like chinese whispers if you will.

So this is where the idea of demagogues come into play: i think you can bring about those changes and you can lead masses of people if you can evolve with the context those masses are in: With that you have to be able to feel your audiences reactions if you are to be sucessful, because if you don't follow the line of thought of the crowd than you cannot bring changes or bring about leadership. So to be a good leader what you need most of all is to be able to know your members feelings and to know how to address these issues, where you have indisputably done what you can to rectify anything or bring change that the social mind is thinking of. So in reality, to be a leader you need to know the social mind to a certain extent. So in order to bring social complexes to play you need to add simple adjustments which have a domino effect to creating something new.

One of the most important things regarding humanity as a whole, is the need for unity beyond the physical and we need spiritual or psychological links between Man. This is something i really do believe in, because we are so divided over race, money and insubstantial factors that don't conclude to anything productive for humanity as a whole.

However, i have to be realistic about the notion of humanity uniting beyond race or materialism since we humans are very in tune to our own habitual natures which are built upon immediate materialism and immediate physical appearances. What i want to say is that people enjoy their quirks and habits and if someone or something new tries to enter can break that habit. So trying to bring in unity will be difficult because it will involve treading on people's habits and toes to get them firstly motivated to a cause and secondly not afraid of new things. Even in today's society we are still seperated by these racial boundaries, but only now it's not so explicit, it's alot more implicit and privately kept in order to maintain a falacy of "political correctness".

We need to go beyond these racial boundaries and be united as Man. I can understand why alot of people enter islam - purely because there are no prejudices on what race you are - you can join without being intimidated and feel loved by brothers and sisters from all over.

"The creator has a master plan - peace and love for every man"

Peace.

Variations Op. 41

It's been strange recently; hearing of all this bad news recently - first my aunt breaking her leg , then my uncle in pakistan who's had to have surgery for a weakened heart, followed by a family friend who's having renal problems and now tehreem's uncle passing away...it's almost as if bad karma or something beyond the palpable is at work. What's worse is the deepened uncertainty of what my future ahead holds in store, university is sort of a no go right now and im not sure what to do or where to go.

The idea of formality and responsibility is really scary for me, i don't know particularly why, but i just feel the need to procrastinate my childhood out alot more longer than should be. Everything is very scrambled and irresponsible to say the least :P. All i can say on the matter (since it's one i dilligently evade alot since im a lazy turd) is needs sorting (ah i love the oxymoronic view point).

Man, if there's one thing i've been doing this holiday and doing well is being a hermit. Hell if there was a PhD available i'd be signed up for it :P. There's two reasons for it: firstly, in the holidays at this time of the year, i usually only talk to people on msn, but that's gotten to a point where it's just stale and mundane. Because of it its almost like being stuck here in this house has made me bit brain dead, where thinking and communicating was something i've not done in a long time....i suppose that's why im writing now, since this seems more like a last resort than anything, besides im not really interested in making small talk because i don't feel it makes you feel you're particularly evolving with the person - which is why i probably hate going on msn since alot of people just do that. But saying that though, im a hypocrite because i never can instigate anything that's more substantial than small talk (mainly because i can't think of anything that really begs me to ask people about it) so i just help the cycle. With the hermiting, i feel im a bit more crazier, a bit more unstructured and disorganised with my writing, my sense of speech and mannerisms. Im confused with alot of things to say the least, but most of all im confused with what to do or where to go.

If there's one thing i'd say about myself is that im a irresponsible, useless individual alot of the time, who has a certain lack of intuition or common sense. I don't say that lightly or comically, but bitterly. I know it's the truth and i SHOULD do something about it, but i feel that because i SHOULD i feel im being pressed into it because it's what is expected and not what i expect - out of my control, in an external locus. So once again, the jagged disc revolves back around to the idea of a lack of control and the question of what it takes to accept responsibility. There's something in me saying "yes you should do something about it rather than conjecturing" but how can you just do it....breaking old habits of insecurities is hard to do, and like the title of the post suggests, doing it leads to variations (the ups of momentarily defeating it only to come around - old habits die hard).

Anyways, this pointless rant about lack of responsibility doesn't feel potent enough to make me want to do something about it, but it's just nice to have something written down and communicated to whoever. It's not even thoughts...it's just random squabble coming out....lemme see if i can think of anything occupying my mind.

well thinking about it for a minute, it's just weird images of colours contorting than evolving into a swirl and spiral of a plethora of colours that look shiny and metallic. Actually what's strange is the bout of dreams that i've had either involving epic battles in places in between something out of Tron or The Matrix....i remember this one dream where the whole place was in black with neon colours all over the place but there was normality as well with surburbia greenery mixed in with that dark black. We (a group of resistence fighters) were running from authority figures, through the houses until we came to some sort of cable car structure but was made out of bricks. The fighters decided in order to finish the war we'd have to blow the core - which could be seen anywhere in this city (? i think that's what it was - the places where this dream took place reminds me of something of the hills around hollywood, with the random scattering of lights in a sea of black which the roads and houses occupy). The core looked like a large white structure, though brilliantly white, there was something malicious about it, something that just gave you the idea of hostility and a bleak coldness to morality and the right thing to do. So we went on this cable car to the core, but what really struck me was this idea of "The One" that's present in the matrix - usually in these types of dreams im usually that sort of figure, but in this one i helped "The One" get to the goal he needed. Oh yeah with these dreams, im never in first person either - it's always third person. Maybe i just have no faith in myself that i've settled for third person....damn that's bad and needs recifying.

Anyways it's getting late and im tired. Nice writing this stuff out though, at least some of my thoughts managed to get transcribed. Next time i'll try and mention Malcolm X's autobio and GITS SAC. til then - ciao!