21st century schizoid man

You know, i think i've finally got the answer i was looking for. I was really struggling between love and spirituality but i think right now in this present moment and time my feeling is towards spirituality. I don't know man, i just feel....too blue for a relationship man - my head is too messed for that BS. Fuck wasting my time on it, i seriously don't have the mental patience to deal with that. I need to figure out how to build that strength i've always seeked out for now. Thats important - dealing with my confidence issues and inner strength as a person. I think thats why i kind of developed some of my internal masochistic tendencies because in all honesty, im a believer in experiencing some pain to get stronger and i feel that to be tempted by things in this world that should be more controlled and to learn to control those things more and more will do me wonders. I can't ignore those feelings because i don't believe thats strength....im more of a look it in the eyes and grab it by the balls type.

Its kind of strange....these freaky moments always come to me when im at my most frantic of mind states. Maybe im not thinking straight right now, who the fuck knows, but right now thats what i feel. I have this feeling that i'll change my path for spirituality as soon as i get some sleep and mull over these things. but i really don't want to. Maybe by choosing spirituality i can sort of feel a stronger sort of temptation that i can resist. I want to stand up and say no when i want and not be a slave to superficiality. I really don't know at this moment, its sort of scattered in a thousand places like a cherry blossom with streaks of violent violet indecision.

Just don't make fun of me, i don't know what to do. Im indecisive about who i am still. My franticity is sort of haywire and loose....loose enough to start making me think im losing a few screws LOL....only when im tired :P. 

Egypt Strut part 3

The next day was, in my opinion the best day of the trip. Everything about the day just flowed together nicely. We had this checklist of things to do on that day, but we ended up doing more than planned for which was brilliant. That morning i remember getting up and aasim telling me about the crazy cleaner woman that was to torment us during our stay in cairo! she was so useless - only fixing the bed and asking for 100 egyptian pounds! bloody cow. After that she had the nerve to ask for 30 egyptian pounds for toiletries which she didn't even need since we came back and she did it without us paying for it.

I remember us getting some foool (not a typo mind you) and egg sandiwiches in the morning. It was really cheap you know, around 6 egyptian pounds for a sandwich which was totally worth eating. After a light breakfast, we went and got into a taxi and made our way towards the cairo tower. The taxi drive was awesome - i remember seeing the Nile and and the sun and thinking "wow man, this is it! im in Egypt - after a 7 year hiatus of going abroad, i've now ended up going to egypt and i went on my own!" it was a big thing for me to do it alone. We got out of the taxi and i think we prayed before anything. We stayed in the mosque for a little while before we went out and started to walk around. Aasim took me to this bridge where the breeze is amazing at night time; we took some pics and i told Aasim about how i couldn't believe i was actually in egypt. We took some pictures with the Nile behind us on the bridge and we walked on pass the bridge onto the other side. The city has this really lively and busy atmosphere where it's never sleeping. The buildings have that yellow/brown tinge to them and the sun sort of glows and glares at the city below without the veil of clouds. It is truly desert country. We were to come back to the Nile again that night, but before that we had a large day ahead of us. We went up the cairo tower. At the entrance we're all these guards with machine guns and i got a little worried looking at it LOL. but it was cool after a while, we took the steps up and entered the lift which took us up god knows how many floors. As soon as the lift doors pinged open there was this cool AC breeze that came in. However there was this pseudo looking westernised restaurant in front of us and i felt kind of bummed out looking at something so out of place with the rest of the city i'd seen. We had to take the flight of steps up to the top until we got this beautiful view of the city. My god, what a view too! you could see practically all of Cairo! i could even see the pyramids in the misty distance (caused by the smog!). Although there was alot of pollution, it was kind of cool to see the pyramids before we went to them - it gave me this feeling of grandeur associated with the pyramids and was heightened by the fact we could see them even though they were so far out of the city - and the city is bigger than London so thats saying something. I remember us spending like an hour up there before we headed off towards the muesuem. Now that Musuem was kind of funny because we were knackered walking around and we were talking about feeling high LOL. It was nice to see tutankhamun's golden mask - it has this really eerie look to it. Sort of similar to the Mona Lisa where you feel it's staring right at you from all angles. However, there seemed to be something really omnious about its look, something penetrating....Regardless, we got to see how many tombs were built for the pharoah and see the accesories he and his wife had - they had some really nice furniture - pure gold! Its amazing looking at the intricate detail involved at the sarcophogus - the artwork on it is truly spectacular especially considering this was done thousands of years ago with dyes that they invented at the time - pretty remarkable for their achievments. After the museum we were pretty hungry so we went out to Al Tahrir square where we got this really nice munch with these freshly squeezed juices (awesome juices - some of the best are out there - no joke). Now you see, at this point we were unsure what to do, so we just started walking around. For me, this was my favourite part of the trip because we just to get this real vibe of what the city was like and not in the touristy way. We just walked on and bought this 2gb memory stick that'd be needed for Aasim's camera. After that we walked on until we reached the old kings palace. Word has it that he was killed off in a coup de tat by the people and that sovereignity was killed off too and now it's a parliament involved. It was beautiful though, this really European design so juxtaposed with the city around it - children playing football in front of the palace - it was symbolic of the demise of regality and the uprise of the people - however these days the government is pretty corrupt :(, but the sight of children playing football in front of something so grand was kind of nice, sort of removed the strictness that you'd normally get in London. It was sunset too, so we took some pictures of the sun past the buildings - ah i remember it well - it was a really buff sunset too, setting on the city that never sleeps :).

We went back to the bridge that we started off after that and waited by the corniche (nile bank) for aasim's cousin to come along for a boat ride along the nile. This place was really funny - we were watching these poncy guys trying to serenade these arab women with their acoustic guitars - pretty hilarious watching it because they looked so gay. Once we met up with Aasim's cousin we got onto the boats and just took in the breeze coming up the Nile. Aasim's cousin is such a joker - giving me this gyal's number at his work place and getting me to try and chirps her up! he asked me what i thought of egyptian women but i couldn't speak any arabic. So i gave him the perfect sign =D where he started cracking up LOOOL!.

it was a brill first night out there.

The second day - my god, that was the most tiring day. We got up and trekked it to Giza on a microbus and walked it up to the pyramids. While we were there we got pestered by this lout who got me to jump on a horse! i paid the guy like 5 egyptian pounds and we were on our way. Now im going to try and keep this short because we actually trekked our way up in the desert to this spot where you could see all 3 pyramids. My god, that was the knackering thing ever. LOL we tried to get these horse shoes on the way, but the bloody bag we had kept breaking :( so we ended up with no horse shoes and water that was so warm it was disgusting. The only thing we could do with it was splash it on ourselves to cool ourselves down. It got so bad i was starting to see purple! and that was a cool day in cairo :S. we got so knackered we didn't even go right up to the sphyinx we just sort of stood on the outskirts and blagged the pics LMAO.

at the end of that, we just took this taxi and went to the zoo - still completely knackered and were walking around aimlessly feeding gorillas and pelicans. we took some funny pics and videos (one of me looking like im pissing into a body of water and watching this gorilla go schizo coz i was teasing it with food - which i do feel bad about but was funny :P). Man we walked for like 2 hours looking for these lions to which nobody could give reliable directions! once we got to see the damn lions they were in their cages with a couple looking agitated at the people looking back at them. Once we managed to find the exit (which once again no-one could provide a decent answer) we met up with Aasim's uncle and jammed at cairo university for a little while. Man what a fecking campus! lushious palm trees, lots of buildings and er...lots of sights for a guy LMAO. Its nothing like in the UK, you get this really nice and chilled out looking place on the outskirts of cairo. Now after the university what did we do.....we got onto a train and i think we went back but i can't remember exactly :S. I think we might have gone to a mosque at this point since it was on the way and just chilled til night time than went and got a munch and went back to yard to watch some MELODY HITS AND THE SOFTCORE PORN CREW.

3rd day and the rest of the time in cairo was alot of mosques. Now for this i think the pictures tell a better story than me describing it + i've written quite a bit so i might save writing about it another time.

Egypt Strut part 2

It was nice speaking urdu you know, surprisingly refreshing. funnily enough, we met those turkish guys again and i got to learn a new game! backgammon is awesome man, the name always made it feel like some hardcore gamblers game but it's this mixture of logic and luck - its different to chess where it's pure logic. The idea of the game is to get your pieces to your side and then remove them from the board. Its sort of two games in one because the first half involves a frantic rush to get your pieces onto your side and the second half involves the quick removal of your pieces. The luck involved comes from the roll of the dices. If you roll a hard number (e.g. a hard 2 - so two 1s for each dice) you get to move four moves, but if you roll two different numbers than you only move twice. Its fun trying to trap your opponent in your half so they have a large task to move away from your side and onto their side. I loved it so much i went and bought a real wood board as memorabilia and perhaps for a game. It doubles up as a chess board too which is quite nice.

So what do i think of egypt? Man im already missing it - ramadan there is wicked - everything is accomodated for you as a muslim and not visa versa in London. As for the country - its desert country but theres so much to do and see that it's amazing. Im gonna go again definitely, i really want to see Sinai and the red sea that i've heard so much about. I got to coast the northern coast so it'd be nice to do a southern coast tour. Luxor and Aswan would be awesome too, so next year maybe it'll be in the works.

I remember when arriving, the humidity of the air hit me like a wet fish! at around two in the morning i was knackered but surprised at how humid it was. Aasim was waving to me as soon as i got past customs and he, his cousin and the taxi driver escorted me back to the taxi. Man i still remember what Aasim told me about Cairo - "remember this journey - cairo will never be this empty again" and sure as hell he was right. That drive was brilliant - the air breezing through the windows as within the span of 20 minutes i got to see a number of mosques, the nile and a small slice of the feel for the city. I was most surprised by the sheer number of mosques on the same roads; its definitely alot more than the number of churches on the same road. Like you'd see around 5 mosques within a 5 minute walking distance - and half of those mosques were well designed and large. Driving through, you get this feel of islam throughout the city, but oddly enough it doesn't feel as intense as saudi arabia, it just feels like religion is part of the city and country; ingrained in it's rich heritage which is a mixture of the ancient, old islamic and modern. I had the feeling that this was going to be good.

When we arrived back at the apartment and going up the clunky elevator to get there i was just excited enough to not really be talking - i was just taking and soaking in the atmosphere. Upon walking in the apartment i felt it was pretty nice and cosy - we had a tv, air conditioning and 2 bedrooms with a relatively clean bathroom. I remember sitting down in the living room listening to amir (egyptian dialect of arabic) being bandied around. Although i did feel a little lost in translation, it was interesting enough to hear the rather rough yet boisterous sound of arabic being spoken again. After a while i was told to sign a contract for the apartment which cost us 1600 egyptian pounds (160 quid - 80 split between two people). Aasim was not amused LOL with the pricing and the insistence to pay as soon as came into the apartment. Soon after, the crazy landlord looking woman and the friendly taxi driver with aasim's cousin left me and aasim just looked at each other taking in the apartment and assessing it. Since it was pretty late, i remember just crashing out since it'd been a long journey. (Aitalia = no go)

Egypt Strut Part 1

Im in Egypt at the moment and have been for what - the last 2 weeks now. My time here has been eventful - from going to all over cairo to alexandria, back to cairo and now im just jamming right now in an internet cafe listening to red house by hendrix with thoughts of shisha and meeting new people bubbling over in my mind. Last night was awesome - we didn't go too far or near the corniche (the nile bank - been there on my first night in cairo =D) we just jammed at this shisha place with a couple of Hamza's turkish friends and Hakim. It got more interesting though when another turkish man came along and sat down with us. What was most surprising was his good grasp of urdu! It was refreshing to talk in urdu after so long; it made me realise my desire to visit pakistan again. You see, my time here has made me some echoes of my time in pakistan. Its strange, because back in England i never really want to speak urdu at all, but being surrounded by egyptians who speak a variant of arabic made me really want to speak urdu out. Its being lost in translation and feeling like the only exotic form of communication you can muster is something no-one would understand.

Okami and the Omoi

Right now....okami.....is so beautiful. in every brush stroke you can see the loving detail given to the child that's born. It's really something else....how can i describe it.....hmm okay well take John Coltrane's My Favourite Things and then imagine yourself as the wind thats flowing behind Shiranui/Ammy. you feel like you're flying behind her with the flowers growing behind you....it's like a revelation in itself to feel that alive. I maybe starting to get obsessive about the game, but the more i look at it the more wild it looks. Im surprised at the detail given into it. Whoever decided to come up with the japanese water colour effect is a genius and the celestrial brush....man crazy times. You can paint what you want how you want. We were drawing the ascension towards heaven...with faces in between. I know many people love the rice paper effect but those colours are still so trippy. I dunno, maybe im just really hyping the look up alot but i just fell in love with its grace and style. Im 6 hours in and i still haven't done much in the game - its fun just running around looking at it in 480p without looking like a scratchy Wii game with lots of jags. Watercolours....i miss them you know. Back in the day i used to watercolour on many paintings....i loved the way everything flowed into each other - like how the sky went with the flow...it was symbolic of just releasing yourself and going with the rhythm nature intended....the same rhythm that governs how the rain falls onto the ground - it's mind bending how infused humans are to all of that part of nature and yet we still try and fall away from it trying to use "logic" "reason" to seperate ourselves from nature - in reality we're just proving the strengh of nature because we're demonstrating the power of it to eventually lead us back to being a part of it....much like how Bruce Lee stated it: "Be like water"....thats what we are in reality - a part of the nature thats blossomed on this green earth - the only planet that seemingly has life in the solar system....is it really hard to believe its a miracle that we're here gracing this earth? for the cold scientists it is, the ones trying to run from nature but inevitably have to accept it beyond the box of logic they've created. Maybe the logic is a demon there to stop us from flowing? or maybe we have to use the logic and the flow of nature....thats how we become human. How do we go into the flow of nature? maybe by surpassing our fears and doubts. By leaving our sense of doubt in ourselves alone....to enter a realm of freedom - thats not pure since we can't have pure freedom due to our physical limitations but the sense of loosening our valves so that we can let the flow of the river come through into the bath tub of consciousness.

I dunno though.....i tried really hard but it fell on deaf ears....or maybe it felt like it had to be said because it'd be rude not to say it....i dunno. I can't be sad....i had my time but i choose to keep it friendly, for the better or for the worse? who knows man, who knows man. It just echoes of the past - the peaks and troughs get further from each other as it echoes. Naw it's good - i let something else grow instead....but was it my place to let it grow? Maybe i stuck my head into the sand deeper than i should have, but should i be worrying about that should? i feel like i should or "need" to find something substantial but in reality im just not fussed to accomodate the needs and wants of another person all the time....and thats the crowd i tend to address most of the time. Im no hero lol, but i feel kind of....blue. Maybe i don't have what it takes at the moment....sidelined in the luggage going to heathrow - cast as the bait for lots of different piranhas to eat and use my body as the nutrients to supplement themselves and then chew me out like a piece of grass.....i dunno im just tired of skirting around for people alot. Nothing is black and white though....balance and chi behind the different needs of myself and others. Maybe im ironically thinking of myself in this whole process and not anyone else. If i had an answer for it it'd be interesting....it's strange being away from my "normal" mental state and being able to address myself with a different mind state than normal....im more talkative right now but sad and happy for people and myself. It took me 2 years to fail and 2 weeks for someone to pass it....fucking hell. Well i got myself to think about.....i don't think right now i can accomodate many people in my frame of life at the moment....i need to chill out on that front...i don't get much back and im used as a doormat alot. Sigh man why can't i just leave it all behind for a bit you know....this meloncholy for a while....im high and attuned to everything...good, bad, happy and sad. Im tired of it....don't patronise me anymore.

Im not good enough for you lot anymore? sigh.....

when i can be "good enough"? why do i have to be good enough? am i not already? who are you to judge? maybe im just too different for you all.

I don't think you really care....you're just obliged to because i stuck through for a while. it's a shame. A damn shame.

Session 061003

Well howdy folks! here's chuck saying "goodie poodie day to you!! i was wondering when you'd buy my new album called fist full of steel - REALLLL COUNTRY FOLK BLUES YESSSIIRREEEEE! PURE ALABAMA WARES HERE, NO SHANNINIGANS, NO SIIRRREEEE!"

Im excited: i have Birdman's guitar for a while, with this amazing effects pedal. With it i can create some really and truly spaced out sounds. But it wasn't that that made me feel excited, more to do with the acoustic "session" i had afterwards that was intriguing. it felt like one of the loosest moments i've played on a guitar. even though i was using what i already knew, it felt different because my rhythm hand started to strum outside the usual box that's there, and it felt good and bad at the same time. I say that because all these thoughts came into my mind - mostly about CZ, but then they transformed into colours slowly....i was going from yellow to blue to orange on the guitar. it's really weird but thinking about that made my rhythm come out a little better than normal. Now i really want to do that with the electric because holding that guitar makes me feel the urge to play on and on. Putting on reverb, delays and the rest makes it seems escapist - like some form of magic which is meditative as well. It's bizarre but i really enjoy it, or im starting to enjoy it.

The one thing i really despise about the summer holidays is those days which are wasted on doing nothing apart from looking at the computer screen. Now im just gonna go out and about
walk around london for a bit because it's getting ridiculous. I can't run around, so i may as well walk all around London, and explore it. Im feeling crazy enough to walk from my house to central london and just enjoy the change in scenery. Maybe i might walk to someone's house who lives far off. I love being in central London, there's always this feeling of hustle and bustle - it's always full of life. Im starting to appreciate being in London alot more because of the cultural side of things - like the arts and gigs. Hell that's an idea: the tate modern! maybe i might walk it there....who knows, but for now i really want to just get out and enjoy it because it'll help clear my thoughts about certain things as well as looking for new epiphanies about guitar playing, or just in general. I've always wanted to just walk around London randomly so why not now? there's so much time to do these things.

One thing i'd be interested to see is that change in the sky. One image I love is of those skies with the really big puffy white clouds sneaking past the blue canvas, with lots of trees on the ground - like that around a stream of water, where i'm the size of an insect looking up at the sky and the stream. There's this miyazaki feel to it; where everything feels like it's being painted and there's this sense of idealism in the air - it's positively palpable and you can grab it and treasure it in your mind. That sense of wonder and excitement that you often see in Miyazaki films - especially in Spirited Away. Thats another reason why i love Miyazaki's films - they always have this sense of wonder and charm to them - none more so than Spirited Away in my opinion. There's something really heartfelt in the imagery of that film. It really does feel like a summer film, where everything seems harmonious yet hectic. The idea of no real evil in the film just makes it feel really harmonious and all credit to Miyazaki-san because of the way he weaves the story into this velvety fabric of positivity. It makes you appreciate lots of things - the trees, the earth, those that are neglected like No-Face, you're own sense of self and growth, maintaining balance in your life, being harmonious and peaceful with others and just in general good will. I can't explain how much i love that film, i knew as soon as i saw the box there was something really magical about it. I wish there'll be another animation like that again. I can't imagine something like in real life because there would be something like an imitation of positivity contained within the frames of the animation. With Miyazaki's images i think one song that captivates that feeling of summer (aside from Joe Hisaishi's brilliant score for spirited away that does it right) is The Mahavishnu Orchestra's A Lotus On Irish Streams; there's something so....peaceful and right about it. It's what got me going on the idea of a summer's day and that image that i have of it. There's something really evocative about it - it makes you feel like a Lotus on a stream; something so poignant and delicate in the way the strings are hit. It goes beyond words....it's just ethereal the way it brings about that image. I've never heard a song that instantly paints the image that it sets out to do the way that song does. Its songs like that, that make me feel Mclaughlin is a genius on that guitar and that it's not for show but it's actually there to really paint these lush images in your mind. You feel like losing yourself in that image because it evokes that goodness.

Yeah i guess that's it at the moment. I can't think of much else to say because half of it would need something more than words to actually communicate it across. That's okay though, because it's been interesting to just talk about spirited away alone - rekindling that magic is nostalgic (something i've been feeling alot of recently) and harkens back to days where i just discovered Miyazaki.

Peace.

The Fire In My Head

Yesterday was my bro's graduation - i thought it'd be a lengthy process, with 100s upon 100s of students coming up to receive their certificates and i was right :P. However it wasn't too bad since it was funny seeing my bro in a graduation gown and looking scholarly. In any case, it was nice to see that, good family event really - one where the elderlys are feeling proud of their children. Manchester is a complete contrast to London though, everything feels more industrial and more working class. There are really nice areas in Manchester though, but altogether it doesn't fit like a glove, as does London. What i do love about Manchester though, is that there's a variety of areas and they are all easy to get to - that accessibility and cultural diversity is definitely appealing. People there are more friendly and talk more than down in London where everything seems to be a rushed hello, goodbye and aggression.

One of the strangest things i did see yesterday was the actual graduation process - as soon as i walked into that hall, i felt i was walking into the tudor times - the flowing and colourful gowns and the slow march of the teachers up to the stand with their silver staffs was an odd sight and perculiar to see some English heritage in front of me. England seems to be a mishmash of various cultures so it was nice to see the actual english heritage floating in front of me. However it felt really cold and formal, much like everything involved with professionalism in this country - there didn't seem to be a really joyous feel to it, it just felt aloof. That went away when hearing the arab women olooing, and random people shouting out to the graduates coming up on stage.

After all that we went and got our pictures done which was pretty uneventful but made me realise i had to get rid of my ridiculous sideburns because they were just long for no good reason :P. Food was very nice though - some of the best apnaa (pakistani) food i've had in a restaurant. It was so good i had to have 2 plate fulls of it. It was like eating food at home - it was just quality.

Speaking of good food, me and tarik went down to this chinese restaurant in Kenton when looking for the one CZ works at, which had wicked service (the waiter took tarik's coat off and started to put it on him!) and wicked food for cheap prices. That was really nice - just sitting down at a random place and eating food and enjoying the atmosphere. Im definitely going to go there again.

But now it comes to the meat of this post. Whenever i have something to talk about or ramble on, i usually try and do it and title it with the name of a song which fits snuggly with the mood i was in yesterday and a little today. As we were going home on the 4 hour drive back, i just started to think about things (maybe i think too much who knows). I just started to get angry at how i've acted like an agony aunt to lots of people but only a few of those people have ever really try to reciprocate a friendship. I was thinking about CZ, and i realised i've been there for her for time, but after her antics atm, it just feels like why have i bothered. Most of those times even though i had felt something for her, i still helped out because she was my mate and i didn't want to see her down. Nowadays it feels like im trying to spark a friendship at the very least which was one way. I mean think about it - has she ever called to say hello? she says im a top friend but she hasn't even done that much. i just find it bizarre and frustrating, which got sparked up on monday when i found out she was calling other mates. Fair enough they've known each other for long, but i just feel like im a vague memory who was there for a while....right now it just feels like fuck it, why am i trying for a person who hasn't really tried at all?

sigh, anyways, apart from that occupying my mind, i've been having a really good summer. i can't remember a summer that's actually been this good - the freedom and randomness of just going out and doing things instead of sitting at home. there's only been a few days where i've sat all day and did nothing! so it's good to finally unwind from academic stress.

i hope everyone else is having a good summer too, god bless and my thoughts are with nostalgic memories of lots of people :).

peace out.