No, No, No

september 21st - that was the last i wrote something. shit been time eh? :p. well lemme see whats been happening since then. Shabs BBQ! omg wicked night out - we just jammed, played backgammon, charades and generally had extremely jokes shaninigans - the food was well nice + so want some more of those crackers!! Ishy's b-day: another day of meeting up again, but this time with new people. It was kind of interesting to see tk and me going a bit more crazier than usual and actually drawing the rest of the table to look and see what the hell we were on about. The table was split into 2 halves: the crazy half and the quiet half. I went a bit more out of the box than usual that night when I started calling the waiter to come in a picture with us and talking about a monkey in a hawaiian skirt asking for a banana. It was fun, especially since i got to be a bit more crazier than i would be on my own LOL. However, the trip that night wasn't so good. The salvia was alot stronger this time and i didn't even feel the rain even though it was pouring down: it was like a vivid dream that was a bit more stranger than i'd have liked.

There's the park incident last week, which was a nice little jam - hell we even spoke to some random woman who'd seen john mclaughlin in the 70s! I think though, the highlight for me that whole last weekend was when we got back to adz house and i sat down with the acoustic guitar. Man oh man, that was some experience. I'd never felt like that playing the guitar - i really got absorbed into it all. I could hear and acknowledge what people were saying but i didn't really care because i was so in tune with what i was playing. It all came flowing out and i would have carried on the whole night if i didn't get stopped. Its strange because i knew what i was playing didn't sound perfect at all but it was intriguing nonetheless because i got to experience that sensation of just playing for the sake of beyond "imitating a tune" or being stuck in a rigid structure. I managed to see a fire being built and growing as time went on, a bird flying and a newly born bird. Its all random but i enjoyed it alot - i went on for an hour straight and didn't feel like slowing down. After that, nothing else really mattered to me coz i just felt kind of introspective thinking about it and talking beyond words - i didn't even wanna talk much coz i really couldn't be bothered to joke around after that. However my mood kind of soured out a bit as the night wore on. The main reason was what happened whilst lying down - at first it was okay but then it got a bit....strange and beyond my comfort zone. I kind of dragged that sour mood with me the next day too and couldn't really wait to leave because it was strange. I don't mind a small degree of intimacy but there was too much for me straight up. Now i really don't want that intimacy anymore because i feel its too weird for me. Obviously there come repercussions with having that view (which is a repercussion of the action in itself LOL - i guess you can call this the "echoed repercussion") but to be honest it's too much to really take on amicably; especially considering how "that" situation is only starting to resolve itself and then to have that there is sort of like destroying all that i've started to achieve. Maybe my displeasure is the answer to what i really believe (as well as my thoughts at the time when it was occuring and how i wished it were in a different place). 

I really really really wish it didn't happen and i feel kind of strange now. A bit bitter to be honest and angry. fucks sake...