Variations Op. 41

It's been strange recently; hearing of all this bad news recently - first my aunt breaking her leg , then my uncle in pakistan who's had to have surgery for a weakened heart, followed by a family friend who's having renal problems and now tehreem's uncle passing away...it's almost as if bad karma or something beyond the palpable is at work. What's worse is the deepened uncertainty of what my future ahead holds in store, university is sort of a no go right now and im not sure what to do or where to go.

The idea of formality and responsibility is really scary for me, i don't know particularly why, but i just feel the need to procrastinate my childhood out alot more longer than should be. Everything is very scrambled and irresponsible to say the least :P. All i can say on the matter (since it's one i dilligently evade alot since im a lazy turd) is needs sorting (ah i love the oxymoronic view point).

Man, if there's one thing i've been doing this holiday and doing well is being a hermit. Hell if there was a PhD available i'd be signed up for it :P. There's two reasons for it: firstly, in the holidays at this time of the year, i usually only talk to people on msn, but that's gotten to a point where it's just stale and mundane. Because of it its almost like being stuck here in this house has made me bit brain dead, where thinking and communicating was something i've not done in a long time....i suppose that's why im writing now, since this seems more like a last resort than anything, besides im not really interested in making small talk because i don't feel it makes you feel you're particularly evolving with the person - which is why i probably hate going on msn since alot of people just do that. But saying that though, im a hypocrite because i never can instigate anything that's more substantial than small talk (mainly because i can't think of anything that really begs me to ask people about it) so i just help the cycle. With the hermiting, i feel im a bit more crazier, a bit more unstructured and disorganised with my writing, my sense of speech and mannerisms. Im confused with alot of things to say the least, but most of all im confused with what to do or where to go.

If there's one thing i'd say about myself is that im a irresponsible, useless individual alot of the time, who has a certain lack of intuition or common sense. I don't say that lightly or comically, but bitterly. I know it's the truth and i SHOULD do something about it, but i feel that because i SHOULD i feel im being pressed into it because it's what is expected and not what i expect - out of my control, in an external locus. So once again, the jagged disc revolves back around to the idea of a lack of control and the question of what it takes to accept responsibility. There's something in me saying "yes you should do something about it rather than conjecturing" but how can you just do it....breaking old habits of insecurities is hard to do, and like the title of the post suggests, doing it leads to variations (the ups of momentarily defeating it only to come around - old habits die hard).

Anyways, this pointless rant about lack of responsibility doesn't feel potent enough to make me want to do something about it, but it's just nice to have something written down and communicated to whoever. It's not even thoughts...it's just random squabble coming out....lemme see if i can think of anything occupying my mind.

well thinking about it for a minute, it's just weird images of colours contorting than evolving into a swirl and spiral of a plethora of colours that look shiny and metallic. Actually what's strange is the bout of dreams that i've had either involving epic battles in places in between something out of Tron or The Matrix....i remember this one dream where the whole place was in black with neon colours all over the place but there was normality as well with surburbia greenery mixed in with that dark black. We (a group of resistence fighters) were running from authority figures, through the houses until we came to some sort of cable car structure but was made out of bricks. The fighters decided in order to finish the war we'd have to blow the core - which could be seen anywhere in this city (? i think that's what it was - the places where this dream took place reminds me of something of the hills around hollywood, with the random scattering of lights in a sea of black which the roads and houses occupy). The core looked like a large white structure, though brilliantly white, there was something malicious about it, something that just gave you the idea of hostility and a bleak coldness to morality and the right thing to do. So we went on this cable car to the core, but what really struck me was this idea of "The One" that's present in the matrix - usually in these types of dreams im usually that sort of figure, but in this one i helped "The One" get to the goal he needed. Oh yeah with these dreams, im never in first person either - it's always third person. Maybe i just have no faith in myself that i've settled for third person....damn that's bad and needs recifying.

Anyways it's getting late and im tired. Nice writing this stuff out though, at least some of my thoughts managed to get transcribed. Next time i'll try and mention Malcolm X's autobio and GITS SAC. til then - ciao!