Coffee and TV

The Boondocks. It's classic television, no question about it. A satirical take on American and Afro-american culture. I can't say there hasn't been an episode that's just made me burst out laughing - from the activist child's renegade political ideas, to the ghetto kid who's more ghetto than the "pimps" and gangsters. Definitely worth watching! Having a school play produced by Quincy Jones, has Denzel Washington and Will Smith and tells the story of Black Jesus in a predominantly caucasian school is bound for laughs.

Anyways, i thought i'd update this place with something. You know, everytime i come here my mind is baffled on what to write. Before i was brimming with ideas, now it's sort of becoming a chore to actually sit down and write something. It's coming from the top of my head at the moment. Personally i don't want to sit and talk about this or that personal issue, because it doesn't do anything - this sort of expression doesn't work completely. Maybe it's because there are people scrutinising it i don't know but either way, im not entirely sure what to talk about these days. I do want to talk about a picture or a book, but i've not actually got any materials right now. Maybe music? who knows. Well talking about music, I've been feeling various vibes these days, going from full out Hendrix Black Gold, to Cymande to Yoko Kanno and now im between José Gonzalez and the elevator music (i.e. Katrah Queyous, Nujabes, Fat Jon). Speaking of José Gonzalez, out of everything i've listened to, i find his stuff the most accessible to play with. I've not got any real idea if it goes, but that doesn't matter because i do actually go into some sort of trance when i do play. I can see why people find it soothing, but sustaining it is quite difficult so im working on doing just that. I did however see a change; a more positive one to say the least, especially with my rhythm playing. The more i play, the better it's getting, which im loving. My scaling technique is getting better, but definitely needs improvement...but im quite shocked at my drastic improvement in rhythmic strumming. These days im trying to mix chords, finger picking and riffage together....I don't know what kind of sound it is, but i'd describe it as a mix between the desert sound of Kyuss, José Gonzalez's chord sound, some small amount of Mclaughlin/Rodriguez, maybe a bit of Santana and some Hendrix. However it's no where near a real sound loool, but that's my interpretation of it when im playing.

So moving on from music, what about life in general? considering im running out of topics here lol. It's.....altering quite alot quite suddenly. These days im between worrying about universities, thinking about some people and where my mind is internally. It's quite a mixed bag and i wouldn't deny i get quite depressed these days, but you know what i think i need to tackle them one by one. Firstly let's get the universities out of the way. Then i think i'll work on the status with people, after that i'll fix out my mind a bit. These days it's quite haywire, sometimes i'm even losing coherency when i talk. A coupla days ago i was rambling on about some crap that i can't even remember. It's all a little hazy lol. Oh yeah not to mention the suicidal thoughts in between LOL. NOW that's depressing. Looking outside of my window, i got kind of worried you know, i was actually thinking about just standing on the edge of the roof....prepping myself for the plunge. Im surprised i've gotten this far, which definitely means it's serious. Trouble is, i think it's my own perception of the world rather than the world itself being cruel to me. My situation is not even that bad, but i don't think im adequately equipped yet to properly deal with it. Trouble is trying to find it through some perserverence and will power. Tough cookie indeedo. In fact i think i've been fascinated for a year now at least, but the stark and recent increase is slightly worrisome. Only slightly. Hey man it don't matter though, as i make sure i can be chillin' bob dylan then it's all good. Anyways, Free Palestine, Free Iraq.

Peace out folks.

The Knife/Honey Bed

Right now, im kind of.....pissed off but relieved. getting over it is hard man, because regret is seeping in. I should have seized the moment is all that's stuck in my mind. Well that's what WAS stuck in my mind. Now....it just feels like an epiphany hit me. Maybe i was disillusioned right from the beginning - maybe there wasn't a moment to seize in the first place. Like i said at the start, im pissed off but i think im also relieved under that frustration. Im pissed off because now i feel like i was hoping for more than what was there, that if there was something there in the first place then it just would have happened, and there wouldn't have been obstacles in between, not so quickly in anycase. I guess im relieved because it really did highlight that im going to have to wait a while. God is definitely humourous, but it's all good reason i suppose. In anycase, i think it really does open what i have to do currently; get through college, get my grades and get the fuck out. I am going to murder these exams now, im not going to waste my time getting distracted by other things. There's just no time, the world doesn't stop all the time for you, you have to pick yourself up and get moving. Im sure this isn't problematic enough to the extent where i would have to stop so that's why im picking myself up now. Currently though, im annoyed, ALOT. Only that opportunity arising would really nullify it immediately - i think. But i know that won't happen, so there is no point chasing it. If it happens, well it happens, just don't put too much exertion into hoping. Of course wish for a little, but don't focus your energy on it. I think that's what i need to start learning how to do; learn how to appreciate the amount of hope and positivity into a certain situation - a body ruled by BOTH mind and soul. Now is really the time to act on fixing my future destination, so i guess that's what i should focus on. Let's just hope getting annoyed won't distract my mind and no hope was used as a figure of speech there lol. My only issue at the moment is being annoyed at people around me; acting stupidly because im annoyed. I don't think i should even be that annoyed at the epicenter of my situation because i do not believe it to be morally right to act harshly because you didn't get something - those times where you should are really the times when your rights and beliefs are being compromised. So let's just focus on getting that balance - that yin and yang so to speak.

Anyways, as for other stuff, I recorded myself playing guitar. It's a strange experience....it makes me cringe out of embarrassment because of the really rough style - and that's being euphememistic. But there are moments that im particularly proud of though so i can't say it was all bad. What i really want to work on is trying to learn some songs - Hendrix being my influence for that. Listening to these rare recordings really gets me going; it makes me want to pick the guitar and lose myself in the beat laid out. I want to get better. I want to improve. I want to surpass myself, in every possible way - as a player, human, contributor to society, etc. It really hit me when i was walking back today, when Hendrix's sonic recordings really just struck a chord. He is a legend for VERY good reason afterall. If i can find that rhythm to play without worry and stiffness, then i think i'll be happy with my achievement. Im slowly getting there, but i've not mastered it by far.

I think that's enough for today though. Live life and be merry - don't give up on your beliefs or principles because someone wants you to be something you're not.

Sayonara folks.

Meditations: A Love Supreme

It's time, that limiting factor that betrays innocence. The hands of the clock incessantly turn, mercilessly stealing youth. But is that a bad thing? A life is not how much time you have, but what you do with it in the time you have. It's kind of strange....wandering in circles. Everytime there's a light, a darkness surpresses it. A yin to a yang. Waiting for it to happen doesn't help, so i want to do something about it. It's scary trying to adapt or modify yourself to what's around you.

As i sit here now, at this late hour, i realise this type of depression is ultimately brought on by your own inability to act. However, is it really fair to comment like that? afterall how easy is it really to drop your incredulous inhibitions when you've become dependent on them as they make up your perception. It's a strange thing indeed.

So, what about music? I've picked up the guitar more frequently these days. It's helping me to relax, it's flowing alot more these days then it ever did; whether that's the cause of musical apparitions at college or just general neurotiscism creeping into my mind im not sure, but i do like it. It gives me an added feeling of good will. It makes it more comforting when conversation fails. Speaking of conversation, where does that go? i have high expectations when i have conversation, therefore i can't make idle chitchat too often. Im trying to joke around, but it doesn't work much because i don't possess ze funny bone. Nevermind though, there's always other ways to get around, and im sure i will find them; it's only a matter of time.

As i was thinking today, Satori came back into my head. He's coming along alot more smoothly now. Oh yeah i've not mentioned who he is. Well he's an incarnation of my thoughts and experiences, which i will probably mold into a character for some sort of novel or story. His name stands for awakening, and an awakening he'll have, especially with the demon in him, that the reader may not be able to initially understand fully as it's unconsciously there. Perhaps i'll make it a blackout moment, like Grimmer's Magnificent Steiner in the animé monster. However, i really love the idea of the Kyuubi in Naruto and the violent red chakra it gives off so i think i might have this character do something like that if possible. He is stoically at zen yet troubled by social practices and morality. Politics may come into the fray, especially with the noir/hardboiled contrasted with a colourful look is what i have going with this. My main interest is to converge different cultures, so maybe indian jazz fusion mixed in with a noir hardboiled look with a protagonist (or antagonist? hehe) who is stoic yet troubled in a setting that is like 1930s chicago but mixed with colour, that kind of colour that makes you think of the cobalt blue skies, juxtaposed with the irregular but beautifully distinct white clouds in the sky....the kind of sky that makes you lose yourself in thought. The best idea of what im trying to convey is in The Animatrix, with Detective story and Beyond's look sort of fused together. Maybe even with Kid's story's rough sketchy look could make an entrance in mind. Though it's a novel, i want to paint a picture and then represent that to you in words. It'll be an interesting task, and i hope you will enjoy the end product, whoever is reading this. A musical instrument or style is appropiate at this moment. I like the idea behind Pulp Fiction - it takes all these elements and fuses them to make an interesting take on various pop cultures. That's the kind of effect im looking for. In essence it really is like mixing the esoteric japanese animé idioms with chinese philosophy in a noir setting. So what about Satori's appearance? well i was hoping for a trench coat, it seems like it might be a long coat, but i don't mind a shorter one....the idea i have for the look is danté from devil may cry mixed with colonel mustang from full metal alchemist. He should alot of scars, internal and external. This is sort of a memoir for me to remember this character, because i really do want to make something out this creation. It's a love of writing becoming supreme in a way hehe.

The MSN name i currently have: "The notions of a madman are looked upon with disdain. His existence society rues" is one line i have for the novel. Another line is "Time tumbles away like autumn leaves, the leaves changing over seasons until the fall".

With that i think this post should be ended, as it's really late and i should get up tommorow. i've got alot of work to do. UKCAT practice, homeworks and a pint of disicipline in between. For now though folks, cheerio and have a good weekend.

peace out.

Cocaine in my brain

HEHEHEHE im actually out of my head at the momenttttt. TIS JOKES BRES. MY GAWD I FEEL LIKE IM SPINNIN AROUND IN A CIGARETTE CALLED GEROME DEFOIOS. HE'S ME BLADRIN'S FROM DA GHATTO ENDZ. FA REAL HOME BOIS GETZ ME? LOOK YA MAN IM WORIA SO WHDAFACK? LIKE TOTALLY JAMAICAN. OOOO MY GOOOD LIKE, TUBULAR DUUDE. FECKIN HELL I THINK IM A NUT, CRAZY IN THE COCONUT. SEXCI LONG COITUS INTERUPTUS. THEY GOT SOME PiMp dAddY dRINk, See DaTs mE MuthA BuuzZzZa, LooOkOK nO TOUCHINN DOUGH HOME GYALS. SHAKE DAT ASS PIMP DADY. MEOW MEOW WOOF WOOF I LIKE THE SEA. GIVE ME A RIDE ON ZE DONKEY CALLED ESKIMO. MY WOLF HAS GOT A SHOOOATGUN. HUSTLE. sUp bITCHESSSSSSSSS! feel da riddum feel da rhyming time jivin' and divin' til im skivin' in the hivin' timez. joks z la lalalla pokemon GOOO! ASH KATCHAUM IS MY HEROZ HE LIKE GIVES ME BONA. So LiKkKIA miKA shake dat ass and give me a whhhheEEEEEE DAWWWWgyyyy. i don't know what's going on but it sure is splinter cell wank. danger wankadelic. ESSI COMING FOR U MOMMA! NOW I KNOW U DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT! HMMM-MMMM!

take it easy folks. rock dudes and dudettes. give me ure digits sisters.

Pragmaticisma

After reading that email, i couldn't sit and carry on that previous post. Writing on, pining at myself for my own negativity was not something i could really do after that. I had to end it there and then; why talk of strenous perception, when it is disillusioned? I focused on Carver's negative representation what change can do to your perception, and the future of searching for an answer with a tainted perception. That is not a bad thing, as an literary artist Carver does an amazing job of depicting it. What i'd left is the accepting change, accepting that you have to give a little to be given in return. That you have to appreciate that perseverance also is a vital factor in changing for the better. That to discipline, focus and train yourself and will for the better is needed to lead a more fulfilled and positive life.

By the way, check this out:

Osman took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Desires release from an unsatisfactory situation a..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

it's really freakishly right.

Extreme Ways

Man. It's really been ages since i came here. I know i always say that, but this time i've been delayed by various things; friends, depression and personal statement. Raymond Carver - interesting author to read. I remember reading "Will you please be quiet please?" after a while and becoming entranced. The minimalistic writing style at first confuses you since it's hard to see what Carver is trying to potray. But when it clicks, my god it clicks. It's like a pool of ideas all in one place: voyeurism, family, identity crisis', change and adaptability to it. The last two ideas really strike me though, because they really hit home that sense of desparing loss of direction and humanity, offering at times concrete solutions to change and at other times no direction at all. Sometimes you can accept change, and at other times you can't adapt or modify towards it. The insanity of the journey towards change really fascinates me. People in those journeys tend to try and focus on very minute details - about themselves or others that inflict the twistedness inside of them. It's hard for them to focus on a certain "accepted" amount, an amount that wouldn't be so haunted to them. They focus on everything in order to establish and construct order, an order that is hard on themselves yet vital to their perception of the insanity of what they are going through. That perception however doesn't really help with what they are going through though - it only enforces the insanity. So what's the solution? simple - i've talked about it before, so i guess im going to stick with it: changing your perception. The problem is, trying to change that perception is hard because it's intertwined with what makes you as a person. How you construct sentences, how you view the world, what you think of people depend on it. Changing established constructs can be very difficult indeed, but perseverence isn't without it's

But what and how much is an "accepted" amount of perception?
As aforementioned - something that wouldn't be feel so strenous to the extent of being haunted by it. That's subjective no doubt, but the idea of something that isn't so strenous isn't.

This post is hereby ended.