Humanoid Erotica

Sometimes some songs can transport you into another world. That world can be anything from nostalgic thoughts of old to just pure random tangent and spiralling imagination. One artist who does that is Fat Jon. This guy can make some really simple but really profound beats - the kind the make you feel all light minded and relaxed. Everytime i listen to some of my favourite Fat Jon songs, I always feel like im staring into a really blue sky filled with the painted whites of clouds, with my back on the grass looking up towards the portrait. You know, whenever you ever get the time to just sit in a park on a sunny spring or summer's day and just look up and feel transported in those clouds that skim on by, not so seperate from them but more a part of them. It's almost like being molded into the background portrait of nature's machinations. Anyways im drifting while writing this, because i feel so spaced out from it. I don't think anyone I know would get what i mean when listening to it, which i suppose makes it more fun in a way - a personal space without interruptions. Hell i wouldn't be surprised if they thought "what, how'd you get there?" just as i would in their own spaces. See, people have their own spaces - some like alot of space, some like little space, some like both at the same time in a most paradoxical way. It really depends on how intimate you're willing to be. Im your in betweener lol. I've never been good at deciding and that's reflected in how I like my personal space - I can never decide between wanting it and not wanting it. Just like everyone, we're always looking for that connection even though we're so used to our own physical and mental space. However, the more I look at it and ponder, the more I look at that black coloured rainbow as i like to call it, the more i think about the frustrations of my own self and inferiority. The more I see people the more inferior i feel. I always want everyone to be equal but i can't even feel equal to anyone else. I love that irony. 

Anyhoo.

Like Leaves In The Wind

Oh yeah, well vexed about SirensSounds being taken down. That was the best post/math rock site on the net. 

Reducing Agent

Man, i remember when i actually enjoyed chemistry. Those were good days, however sad that might sound. I think what i like about chemistry the most is the abstract ideas and theories that people use and come up with using purely mathematical idioms. It's strange, you can be so creative in thinking how things react and bond together or how energy is released or absorbed or what kind of products you get, yet be practical and logical at the same time. In that sense i prefer it to other sciences because of the balance between those two aspects, because it allows you to play around with ideas to see if you can get it right. Besides you get alot of colour in chemistry - one of the best chemical reactions is the flame test (combustion) of Barium metal. That foresty green colour is very beautiful and more fascinating when you hear the theory of how the metal's electons in their electron shells are energised and therefore ascend to a higher electron shell, but are unstable at that higher energy level so they release photons as they descend - i.e. light. The amount of energy released is at certain lightwave lengths and so we can see it as colour (if its within the visible region). The same goes for transition metal complexes, where the splitting of d-orbitals (caused by bonding to ligands i.e. molecules that donate electrons to a central metal atom/ion) causing light to be absorbed by electrons in the lower d-orbital from the split to ascend to the higher level. The light that isn't absorbed is the colour that is seen - i.e. the complementary colour of the lightwave length absorbed is the one seen, so for example if yellow is absorbed the solution will be seen as blue as blue is complementary to yellow.

Chemistry is fascinating like that, as well as the idea of ratios and give and take - which i think should be applied to life too. I believe in balance and I also believe in god giving us signs (similar to how karma works) and us trying to react to those signs (which is kind of why i had the title as Reducing Agent). Recently alot of people have been saying certain actions are a waste of time, which the more and more i think about it the more and more it seems true. To be honest i don't like sitting in cestpools of my own self pity anymore - it drives me nuts and goes against my own principles. So no matter how bad i may feel about it i'll just let it go because at the end of the day, its not worth bringing myself down. There's alot more to do and say man, alot more shizzle. Granted i might feel bad about it but i think im starting to learn how to control myself more. So whatever happens, happens (as Spike says in Cowboy Bepop). So is this a positive post? maybe, im neurotic enough to obsess about things but i think im also calm enough to use rationale. Odd eh?

Ramshackle

..........

I need to prioritise things in my mind and get things sorted out. I'm wasting too much time now. Enough emo shit. 

7beat

Man, i've been on some music sprees recently, like hardcore. Today was a really good haul though i found some cool stuff =D. Such as PHEWWHOO (ridiculous name - i thought soil and pimp was bad enough) who incorporate jazz and math rock elements into their music; its really good stuff. Thats not forgetting Losalios - another jazz/math rock band who do some more energetic stuff. 

Anyhoo, whats on my mind is lethargy. My god, conversing online feels lethargic these days; ever since that saturday its just been lazy talking. Im sure this is one of those random moments that will come and go but its disconcerting to experience something like this. Its almost like being tired of randomness for a while - so much so that i just feel like even talking in general needs a break. I think its staying in doors for long! man i really want to go back into education, i really miss the social life and just the feeling of doing something with my head rather than just basically bumming out. Even the people i normally want to talk to i feel kind of lethargic talking to them, almost like egypt is calling me back again heh. you know, i still haven't lost my tan, i still have it after all this time surprisingly =). 

There's one thing im really, really, really missing. I think having those profound talks about abstract ideas, about art, something beyond myself as a person. Man back in the day i used to talk so much about those ideas, but now its just sort of fizzled out and i can't think of anything useful to discuss on that level. I really want to get that back more than anything, i really want to just talk about things that are beyond myself (i can't iterate it enough). 

Hell i think i'd just talk about chemistry again. 

Musical Scents

I had this brainwave earlier on today. As i was going through the SirenSounds blogspot, i kind of realised that i really wanted to do something similar and promote well established and unknown artists. It's interesting setting up something like that but i think i'd enjoy it, especially as i'd get to write what i wanted about the music i put up. Also, its not under my name so tk and anyone else who wants to upload anything can do so and help distribute along. At the moment though im thinking of asking Mogwai and Soundweave for their links until i can start adding my own stuff up. 

Here's to the life of Musical Scents =D.

peace out.

No, No, No

september 21st - that was the last i wrote something. shit been time eh? :p. well lemme see whats been happening since then. Shabs BBQ! omg wicked night out - we just jammed, played backgammon, charades and generally had extremely jokes shaninigans - the food was well nice + so want some more of those crackers!! Ishy's b-day: another day of meeting up again, but this time with new people. It was kind of interesting to see tk and me going a bit more crazier than usual and actually drawing the rest of the table to look and see what the hell we were on about. The table was split into 2 halves: the crazy half and the quiet half. I went a bit more out of the box than usual that night when I started calling the waiter to come in a picture with us and talking about a monkey in a hawaiian skirt asking for a banana. It was fun, especially since i got to be a bit more crazier than i would be on my own LOL. However, the trip that night wasn't so good. The salvia was alot stronger this time and i didn't even feel the rain even though it was pouring down: it was like a vivid dream that was a bit more stranger than i'd have liked.

There's the park incident last week, which was a nice little jam - hell we even spoke to some random woman who'd seen john mclaughlin in the 70s! I think though, the highlight for me that whole last weekend was when we got back to adz house and i sat down with the acoustic guitar. Man oh man, that was some experience. I'd never felt like that playing the guitar - i really got absorbed into it all. I could hear and acknowledge what people were saying but i didn't really care because i was so in tune with what i was playing. It all came flowing out and i would have carried on the whole night if i didn't get stopped. Its strange because i knew what i was playing didn't sound perfect at all but it was intriguing nonetheless because i got to experience that sensation of just playing for the sake of beyond "imitating a tune" or being stuck in a rigid structure. I managed to see a fire being built and growing as time went on, a bird flying and a newly born bird. Its all random but i enjoyed it alot - i went on for an hour straight and didn't feel like slowing down. After that, nothing else really mattered to me coz i just felt kind of introspective thinking about it and talking beyond words - i didn't even wanna talk much coz i really couldn't be bothered to joke around after that. However my mood kind of soured out a bit as the night wore on. The main reason was what happened whilst lying down - at first it was okay but then it got a bit....strange and beyond my comfort zone. I kind of dragged that sour mood with me the next day too and couldn't really wait to leave because it was strange. I don't mind a small degree of intimacy but there was too much for me straight up. Now i really don't want that intimacy anymore because i feel its too weird for me. Obviously there come repercussions with having that view (which is a repercussion of the action in itself LOL - i guess you can call this the "echoed repercussion") but to be honest it's too much to really take on amicably; especially considering how "that" situation is only starting to resolve itself and then to have that there is sort of like destroying all that i've started to achieve. Maybe my displeasure is the answer to what i really believe (as well as my thoughts at the time when it was occuring and how i wished it were in a different place). 

I really really really wish it didn't happen and i feel kind of strange now. A bit bitter to be honest and angry. fucks sake...

21st century schizoid man

You know, i think i've finally got the answer i was looking for. I was really struggling between love and spirituality but i think right now in this present moment and time my feeling is towards spirituality. I don't know man, i just feel....too blue for a relationship man - my head is too messed for that BS. Fuck wasting my time on it, i seriously don't have the mental patience to deal with that. I need to figure out how to build that strength i've always seeked out for now. Thats important - dealing with my confidence issues and inner strength as a person. I think thats why i kind of developed some of my internal masochistic tendencies because in all honesty, im a believer in experiencing some pain to get stronger and i feel that to be tempted by things in this world that should be more controlled and to learn to control those things more and more will do me wonders. I can't ignore those feelings because i don't believe thats strength....im more of a look it in the eyes and grab it by the balls type.

Its kind of strange....these freaky moments always come to me when im at my most frantic of mind states. Maybe im not thinking straight right now, who the fuck knows, but right now thats what i feel. I have this feeling that i'll change my path for spirituality as soon as i get some sleep and mull over these things. but i really don't want to. Maybe by choosing spirituality i can sort of feel a stronger sort of temptation that i can resist. I want to stand up and say no when i want and not be a slave to superficiality. I really don't know at this moment, its sort of scattered in a thousand places like a cherry blossom with streaks of violent violet indecision.

Just don't make fun of me, i don't know what to do. Im indecisive about who i am still. My franticity is sort of haywire and loose....loose enough to start making me think im losing a few screws LOL....only when im tired :P. 

Egypt Strut part 3

The next day was, in my opinion the best day of the trip. Everything about the day just flowed together nicely. We had this checklist of things to do on that day, but we ended up doing more than planned for which was brilliant. That morning i remember getting up and aasim telling me about the crazy cleaner woman that was to torment us during our stay in cairo! she was so useless - only fixing the bed and asking for 100 egyptian pounds! bloody cow. After that she had the nerve to ask for 30 egyptian pounds for toiletries which she didn't even need since we came back and she did it without us paying for it.

I remember us getting some foool (not a typo mind you) and egg sandiwiches in the morning. It was really cheap you know, around 6 egyptian pounds for a sandwich which was totally worth eating. After a light breakfast, we went and got into a taxi and made our way towards the cairo tower. The taxi drive was awesome - i remember seeing the Nile and and the sun and thinking "wow man, this is it! im in Egypt - after a 7 year hiatus of going abroad, i've now ended up going to egypt and i went on my own!" it was a big thing for me to do it alone. We got out of the taxi and i think we prayed before anything. We stayed in the mosque for a little while before we went out and started to walk around. Aasim took me to this bridge where the breeze is amazing at night time; we took some pics and i told Aasim about how i couldn't believe i was actually in egypt. We took some pictures with the Nile behind us on the bridge and we walked on pass the bridge onto the other side. The city has this really lively and busy atmosphere where it's never sleeping. The buildings have that yellow/brown tinge to them and the sun sort of glows and glares at the city below without the veil of clouds. It is truly desert country. We were to come back to the Nile again that night, but before that we had a large day ahead of us. We went up the cairo tower. At the entrance we're all these guards with machine guns and i got a little worried looking at it LOL. but it was cool after a while, we took the steps up and entered the lift which took us up god knows how many floors. As soon as the lift doors pinged open there was this cool AC breeze that came in. However there was this pseudo looking westernised restaurant in front of us and i felt kind of bummed out looking at something so out of place with the rest of the city i'd seen. We had to take the flight of steps up to the top until we got this beautiful view of the city. My god, what a view too! you could see practically all of Cairo! i could even see the pyramids in the misty distance (caused by the smog!). Although there was alot of pollution, it was kind of cool to see the pyramids before we went to them - it gave me this feeling of grandeur associated with the pyramids and was heightened by the fact we could see them even though they were so far out of the city - and the city is bigger than London so thats saying something. I remember us spending like an hour up there before we headed off towards the muesuem. Now that Musuem was kind of funny because we were knackered walking around and we were talking about feeling high LOL. It was nice to see tutankhamun's golden mask - it has this really eerie look to it. Sort of similar to the Mona Lisa where you feel it's staring right at you from all angles. However, there seemed to be something really omnious about its look, something penetrating....Regardless, we got to see how many tombs were built for the pharoah and see the accesories he and his wife had - they had some really nice furniture - pure gold! Its amazing looking at the intricate detail involved at the sarcophogus - the artwork on it is truly spectacular especially considering this was done thousands of years ago with dyes that they invented at the time - pretty remarkable for their achievments. After the museum we were pretty hungry so we went out to Al Tahrir square where we got this really nice munch with these freshly squeezed juices (awesome juices - some of the best are out there - no joke). Now you see, at this point we were unsure what to do, so we just started walking around. For me, this was my favourite part of the trip because we just to get this real vibe of what the city was like and not in the touristy way. We just walked on and bought this 2gb memory stick that'd be needed for Aasim's camera. After that we walked on until we reached the old kings palace. Word has it that he was killed off in a coup de tat by the people and that sovereignity was killed off too and now it's a parliament involved. It was beautiful though, this really European design so juxtaposed with the city around it - children playing football in front of the palace - it was symbolic of the demise of regality and the uprise of the people - however these days the government is pretty corrupt :(, but the sight of children playing football in front of something so grand was kind of nice, sort of removed the strictness that you'd normally get in London. It was sunset too, so we took some pictures of the sun past the buildings - ah i remember it well - it was a really buff sunset too, setting on the city that never sleeps :).

We went back to the bridge that we started off after that and waited by the corniche (nile bank) for aasim's cousin to come along for a boat ride along the nile. This place was really funny - we were watching these poncy guys trying to serenade these arab women with their acoustic guitars - pretty hilarious watching it because they looked so gay. Once we met up with Aasim's cousin we got onto the boats and just took in the breeze coming up the Nile. Aasim's cousin is such a joker - giving me this gyal's number at his work place and getting me to try and chirps her up! he asked me what i thought of egyptian women but i couldn't speak any arabic. So i gave him the perfect sign =D where he started cracking up LOOOL!.

it was a brill first night out there.

The second day - my god, that was the most tiring day. We got up and trekked it to Giza on a microbus and walked it up to the pyramids. While we were there we got pestered by this lout who got me to jump on a horse! i paid the guy like 5 egyptian pounds and we were on our way. Now im going to try and keep this short because we actually trekked our way up in the desert to this spot where you could see all 3 pyramids. My god, that was the knackering thing ever. LOL we tried to get these horse shoes on the way, but the bloody bag we had kept breaking :( so we ended up with no horse shoes and water that was so warm it was disgusting. The only thing we could do with it was splash it on ourselves to cool ourselves down. It got so bad i was starting to see purple! and that was a cool day in cairo :S. we got so knackered we didn't even go right up to the sphyinx we just sort of stood on the outskirts and blagged the pics LMAO.

at the end of that, we just took this taxi and went to the zoo - still completely knackered and were walking around aimlessly feeding gorillas and pelicans. we took some funny pics and videos (one of me looking like im pissing into a body of water and watching this gorilla go schizo coz i was teasing it with food - which i do feel bad about but was funny :P). Man we walked for like 2 hours looking for these lions to which nobody could give reliable directions! once we got to see the damn lions they were in their cages with a couple looking agitated at the people looking back at them. Once we managed to find the exit (which once again no-one could provide a decent answer) we met up with Aasim's uncle and jammed at cairo university for a little while. Man what a fecking campus! lushious palm trees, lots of buildings and er...lots of sights for a guy LMAO. Its nothing like in the UK, you get this really nice and chilled out looking place on the outskirts of cairo. Now after the university what did we do.....we got onto a train and i think we went back but i can't remember exactly :S. I think we might have gone to a mosque at this point since it was on the way and just chilled til night time than went and got a munch and went back to yard to watch some MELODY HITS AND THE SOFTCORE PORN CREW.

3rd day and the rest of the time in cairo was alot of mosques. Now for this i think the pictures tell a better story than me describing it + i've written quite a bit so i might save writing about it another time.

Egypt Strut part 2

It was nice speaking urdu you know, surprisingly refreshing. funnily enough, we met those turkish guys again and i got to learn a new game! backgammon is awesome man, the name always made it feel like some hardcore gamblers game but it's this mixture of logic and luck - its different to chess where it's pure logic. The idea of the game is to get your pieces to your side and then remove them from the board. Its sort of two games in one because the first half involves a frantic rush to get your pieces onto your side and the second half involves the quick removal of your pieces. The luck involved comes from the roll of the dices. If you roll a hard number (e.g. a hard 2 - so two 1s for each dice) you get to move four moves, but if you roll two different numbers than you only move twice. Its fun trying to trap your opponent in your half so they have a large task to move away from your side and onto their side. I loved it so much i went and bought a real wood board as memorabilia and perhaps for a game. It doubles up as a chess board too which is quite nice.

So what do i think of egypt? Man im already missing it - ramadan there is wicked - everything is accomodated for you as a muslim and not visa versa in London. As for the country - its desert country but theres so much to do and see that it's amazing. Im gonna go again definitely, i really want to see Sinai and the red sea that i've heard so much about. I got to coast the northern coast so it'd be nice to do a southern coast tour. Luxor and Aswan would be awesome too, so next year maybe it'll be in the works.

I remember when arriving, the humidity of the air hit me like a wet fish! at around two in the morning i was knackered but surprised at how humid it was. Aasim was waving to me as soon as i got past customs and he, his cousin and the taxi driver escorted me back to the taxi. Man i still remember what Aasim told me about Cairo - "remember this journey - cairo will never be this empty again" and sure as hell he was right. That drive was brilliant - the air breezing through the windows as within the span of 20 minutes i got to see a number of mosques, the nile and a small slice of the feel for the city. I was most surprised by the sheer number of mosques on the same roads; its definitely alot more than the number of churches on the same road. Like you'd see around 5 mosques within a 5 minute walking distance - and half of those mosques were well designed and large. Driving through, you get this feel of islam throughout the city, but oddly enough it doesn't feel as intense as saudi arabia, it just feels like religion is part of the city and country; ingrained in it's rich heritage which is a mixture of the ancient, old islamic and modern. I had the feeling that this was going to be good.

When we arrived back at the apartment and going up the clunky elevator to get there i was just excited enough to not really be talking - i was just taking and soaking in the atmosphere. Upon walking in the apartment i felt it was pretty nice and cosy - we had a tv, air conditioning and 2 bedrooms with a relatively clean bathroom. I remember sitting down in the living room listening to amir (egyptian dialect of arabic) being bandied around. Although i did feel a little lost in translation, it was interesting enough to hear the rather rough yet boisterous sound of arabic being spoken again. After a while i was told to sign a contract for the apartment which cost us 1600 egyptian pounds (160 quid - 80 split between two people). Aasim was not amused LOL with the pricing and the insistence to pay as soon as came into the apartment. Soon after, the crazy landlord looking woman and the friendly taxi driver with aasim's cousin left me and aasim just looked at each other taking in the apartment and assessing it. Since it was pretty late, i remember just crashing out since it'd been a long journey. (Aitalia = no go)

Egypt Strut Part 1

Im in Egypt at the moment and have been for what - the last 2 weeks now. My time here has been eventful - from going to all over cairo to alexandria, back to cairo and now im just jamming right now in an internet cafe listening to red house by hendrix with thoughts of shisha and meeting new people bubbling over in my mind. Last night was awesome - we didn't go too far or near the corniche (the nile bank - been there on my first night in cairo =D) we just jammed at this shisha place with a couple of Hamza's turkish friends and Hakim. It got more interesting though when another turkish man came along and sat down with us. What was most surprising was his good grasp of urdu! It was refreshing to talk in urdu after so long; it made me realise my desire to visit pakistan again. You see, my time here has made me some echoes of my time in pakistan. Its strange, because back in England i never really want to speak urdu at all, but being surrounded by egyptians who speak a variant of arabic made me really want to speak urdu out. Its being lost in translation and feeling like the only exotic form of communication you can muster is something no-one would understand.

Okami and the Omoi

Right now....okami.....is so beautiful. in every brush stroke you can see the loving detail given to the child that's born. It's really something else....how can i describe it.....hmm okay well take John Coltrane's My Favourite Things and then imagine yourself as the wind thats flowing behind Shiranui/Ammy. you feel like you're flying behind her with the flowers growing behind you....it's like a revelation in itself to feel that alive. I maybe starting to get obsessive about the game, but the more i look at it the more wild it looks. Im surprised at the detail given into it. Whoever decided to come up with the japanese water colour effect is a genius and the celestrial brush....man crazy times. You can paint what you want how you want. We were drawing the ascension towards heaven...with faces in between. I know many people love the rice paper effect but those colours are still so trippy. I dunno, maybe im just really hyping the look up alot but i just fell in love with its grace and style. Im 6 hours in and i still haven't done much in the game - its fun just running around looking at it in 480p without looking like a scratchy Wii game with lots of jags. Watercolours....i miss them you know. Back in the day i used to watercolour on many paintings....i loved the way everything flowed into each other - like how the sky went with the flow...it was symbolic of just releasing yourself and going with the rhythm nature intended....the same rhythm that governs how the rain falls onto the ground - it's mind bending how infused humans are to all of that part of nature and yet we still try and fall away from it trying to use "logic" "reason" to seperate ourselves from nature - in reality we're just proving the strengh of nature because we're demonstrating the power of it to eventually lead us back to being a part of it....much like how Bruce Lee stated it: "Be like water"....thats what we are in reality - a part of the nature thats blossomed on this green earth - the only planet that seemingly has life in the solar system....is it really hard to believe its a miracle that we're here gracing this earth? for the cold scientists it is, the ones trying to run from nature but inevitably have to accept it beyond the box of logic they've created. Maybe the logic is a demon there to stop us from flowing? or maybe we have to use the logic and the flow of nature....thats how we become human. How do we go into the flow of nature? maybe by surpassing our fears and doubts. By leaving our sense of doubt in ourselves alone....to enter a realm of freedom - thats not pure since we can't have pure freedom due to our physical limitations but the sense of loosening our valves so that we can let the flow of the river come through into the bath tub of consciousness.

I dunno though.....i tried really hard but it fell on deaf ears....or maybe it felt like it had to be said because it'd be rude not to say it....i dunno. I can't be sad....i had my time but i choose to keep it friendly, for the better or for the worse? who knows man, who knows man. It just echoes of the past - the peaks and troughs get further from each other as it echoes. Naw it's good - i let something else grow instead....but was it my place to let it grow? Maybe i stuck my head into the sand deeper than i should have, but should i be worrying about that should? i feel like i should or "need" to find something substantial but in reality im just not fussed to accomodate the needs and wants of another person all the time....and thats the crowd i tend to address most of the time. Im no hero lol, but i feel kind of....blue. Maybe i don't have what it takes at the moment....sidelined in the luggage going to heathrow - cast as the bait for lots of different piranhas to eat and use my body as the nutrients to supplement themselves and then chew me out like a piece of grass.....i dunno im just tired of skirting around for people alot. Nothing is black and white though....balance and chi behind the different needs of myself and others. Maybe im ironically thinking of myself in this whole process and not anyone else. If i had an answer for it it'd be interesting....it's strange being away from my "normal" mental state and being able to address myself with a different mind state than normal....im more talkative right now but sad and happy for people and myself. It took me 2 years to fail and 2 weeks for someone to pass it....fucking hell. Well i got myself to think about.....i don't think right now i can accomodate many people in my frame of life at the moment....i need to chill out on that front...i don't get much back and im used as a doormat alot. Sigh man why can't i just leave it all behind for a bit you know....this meloncholy for a while....im high and attuned to everything...good, bad, happy and sad. Im tired of it....don't patronise me anymore.

Im not good enough for you lot anymore? sigh.....

when i can be "good enough"? why do i have to be good enough? am i not already? who are you to judge? maybe im just too different for you all.

I don't think you really care....you're just obliged to because i stuck through for a while. it's a shame. A damn shame.

Session 061003

Well howdy folks! here's chuck saying "goodie poodie day to you!! i was wondering when you'd buy my new album called fist full of steel - REALLLL COUNTRY FOLK BLUES YESSSIIRREEEEE! PURE ALABAMA WARES HERE, NO SHANNINIGANS, NO SIIRRREEEE!"

Im excited: i have Birdman's guitar for a while, with this amazing effects pedal. With it i can create some really and truly spaced out sounds. But it wasn't that that made me feel excited, more to do with the acoustic "session" i had afterwards that was intriguing. it felt like one of the loosest moments i've played on a guitar. even though i was using what i already knew, it felt different because my rhythm hand started to strum outside the usual box that's there, and it felt good and bad at the same time. I say that because all these thoughts came into my mind - mostly about CZ, but then they transformed into colours slowly....i was going from yellow to blue to orange on the guitar. it's really weird but thinking about that made my rhythm come out a little better than normal. Now i really want to do that with the electric because holding that guitar makes me feel the urge to play on and on. Putting on reverb, delays and the rest makes it seems escapist - like some form of magic which is meditative as well. It's bizarre but i really enjoy it, or im starting to enjoy it.

The one thing i really despise about the summer holidays is those days which are wasted on doing nothing apart from looking at the computer screen. Now im just gonna go out and about
walk around london for a bit because it's getting ridiculous. I can't run around, so i may as well walk all around London, and explore it. Im feeling crazy enough to walk from my house to central london and just enjoy the change in scenery. Maybe i might walk to someone's house who lives far off. I love being in central London, there's always this feeling of hustle and bustle - it's always full of life. Im starting to appreciate being in London alot more because of the cultural side of things - like the arts and gigs. Hell that's an idea: the tate modern! maybe i might walk it there....who knows, but for now i really want to just get out and enjoy it because it'll help clear my thoughts about certain things as well as looking for new epiphanies about guitar playing, or just in general. I've always wanted to just walk around London randomly so why not now? there's so much time to do these things.

One thing i'd be interested to see is that change in the sky. One image I love is of those skies with the really big puffy white clouds sneaking past the blue canvas, with lots of trees on the ground - like that around a stream of water, where i'm the size of an insect looking up at the sky and the stream. There's this miyazaki feel to it; where everything feels like it's being painted and there's this sense of idealism in the air - it's positively palpable and you can grab it and treasure it in your mind. That sense of wonder and excitement that you often see in Miyazaki films - especially in Spirited Away. Thats another reason why i love Miyazaki's films - they always have this sense of wonder and charm to them - none more so than Spirited Away in my opinion. There's something really heartfelt in the imagery of that film. It really does feel like a summer film, where everything seems harmonious yet hectic. The idea of no real evil in the film just makes it feel really harmonious and all credit to Miyazaki-san because of the way he weaves the story into this velvety fabric of positivity. It makes you appreciate lots of things - the trees, the earth, those that are neglected like No-Face, you're own sense of self and growth, maintaining balance in your life, being harmonious and peaceful with others and just in general good will. I can't explain how much i love that film, i knew as soon as i saw the box there was something really magical about it. I wish there'll be another animation like that again. I can't imagine something like in real life because there would be something like an imitation of positivity contained within the frames of the animation. With Miyazaki's images i think one song that captivates that feeling of summer (aside from Joe Hisaishi's brilliant score for spirited away that does it right) is The Mahavishnu Orchestra's A Lotus On Irish Streams; there's something so....peaceful and right about it. It's what got me going on the idea of a summer's day and that image that i have of it. There's something really evocative about it - it makes you feel like a Lotus on a stream; something so poignant and delicate in the way the strings are hit. It goes beyond words....it's just ethereal the way it brings about that image. I've never heard a song that instantly paints the image that it sets out to do the way that song does. Its songs like that, that make me feel Mclaughlin is a genius on that guitar and that it's not for show but it's actually there to really paint these lush images in your mind. You feel like losing yourself in that image because it evokes that goodness.

Yeah i guess that's it at the moment. I can't think of much else to say because half of it would need something more than words to actually communicate it across. That's okay though, because it's been interesting to just talk about spirited away alone - rekindling that magic is nostalgic (something i've been feeling alot of recently) and harkens back to days where i just discovered Miyazaki.

Peace.

The Fire In My Head

Yesterday was my bro's graduation - i thought it'd be a lengthy process, with 100s upon 100s of students coming up to receive their certificates and i was right :P. However it wasn't too bad since it was funny seeing my bro in a graduation gown and looking scholarly. In any case, it was nice to see that, good family event really - one where the elderlys are feeling proud of their children. Manchester is a complete contrast to London though, everything feels more industrial and more working class. There are really nice areas in Manchester though, but altogether it doesn't fit like a glove, as does London. What i do love about Manchester though, is that there's a variety of areas and they are all easy to get to - that accessibility and cultural diversity is definitely appealing. People there are more friendly and talk more than down in London where everything seems to be a rushed hello, goodbye and aggression.

One of the strangest things i did see yesterday was the actual graduation process - as soon as i walked into that hall, i felt i was walking into the tudor times - the flowing and colourful gowns and the slow march of the teachers up to the stand with their silver staffs was an odd sight and perculiar to see some English heritage in front of me. England seems to be a mishmash of various cultures so it was nice to see the actual english heritage floating in front of me. However it felt really cold and formal, much like everything involved with professionalism in this country - there didn't seem to be a really joyous feel to it, it just felt aloof. That went away when hearing the arab women olooing, and random people shouting out to the graduates coming up on stage.

After all that we went and got our pictures done which was pretty uneventful but made me realise i had to get rid of my ridiculous sideburns because they were just long for no good reason :P. Food was very nice though - some of the best apnaa (pakistani) food i've had in a restaurant. It was so good i had to have 2 plate fulls of it. It was like eating food at home - it was just quality.

Speaking of good food, me and tarik went down to this chinese restaurant in Kenton when looking for the one CZ works at, which had wicked service (the waiter took tarik's coat off and started to put it on him!) and wicked food for cheap prices. That was really nice - just sitting down at a random place and eating food and enjoying the atmosphere. Im definitely going to go there again.

But now it comes to the meat of this post. Whenever i have something to talk about or ramble on, i usually try and do it and title it with the name of a song which fits snuggly with the mood i was in yesterday and a little today. As we were going home on the 4 hour drive back, i just started to think about things (maybe i think too much who knows). I just started to get angry at how i've acted like an agony aunt to lots of people but only a few of those people have ever really try to reciprocate a friendship. I was thinking about CZ, and i realised i've been there for her for time, but after her antics atm, it just feels like why have i bothered. Most of those times even though i had felt something for her, i still helped out because she was my mate and i didn't want to see her down. Nowadays it feels like im trying to spark a friendship at the very least which was one way. I mean think about it - has she ever called to say hello? she says im a top friend but she hasn't even done that much. i just find it bizarre and frustrating, which got sparked up on monday when i found out she was calling other mates. Fair enough they've known each other for long, but i just feel like im a vague memory who was there for a while....right now it just feels like fuck it, why am i trying for a person who hasn't really tried at all?

sigh, anyways, apart from that occupying my mind, i've been having a really good summer. i can't remember a summer that's actually been this good - the freedom and randomness of just going out and doing things instead of sitting at home. there's only been a few days where i've sat all day and did nothing! so it's good to finally unwind from academic stress.

i hope everyone else is having a good summer too, god bless and my thoughts are with nostalgic memories of lots of people :).

peace out.

Ramble On

There are times when i feel like im inside of a noir film. I have this exaggerated image of myself in a raincoat and hat, smoking a cigarette gazing...gazing into something intangible. My words aren't coherent but they seem to revolve around short sentences that speak volumes, just like in noir films. The closest thing i can think of is Cowboy Bebop and Spike - he just has this vibe that oozes cool. Im not sure why i have these images....perhaps they're images of what i want to be like; which is a complete oxymoron to myself right now.

It's kind of strange you know, trying to emulate it. Well i say trying but i don't really, i just like the idea. Anyways, this is starting to sound more and more weird as i type it along.

I thought i might try something different this time and talk about pet peeves. There are 3 things that piss me off alot, especially when im in a good mood.

So what's on the list?

1) well first of, i absolutely despise it when individuals come up to me while i have my headphones on and seem to want to pester me than rather than when i have no headphones. I cannot understand the logic behind it. It's simple: Headphones on: DON'T TALK, headphones off, TALK. Jesus fucking christ, it's really annoying especially when you are zoning out to something (as you do with music) and someone comes along and just pushes that button. I swear down if it happens again i will SERIOUSLY switch and just start shouting.

2) Really really girly girls or too many girls in one place. My god, it's like you can see the damn oestrogen flying in the air with the cutesy "OMG YOU LOOK LYK SO BUFF" and all that bollocks.

3)Rich wannabe rudebois. MY GOD, CAN YOU GET ANY MORE STUPID? YOU ARE RICH KIDS WHO THINK THEY ARE FROM BLACK GHETTOS, GET OVER YOUR SPOILT SELVES. FUCKING HELL.

So for now i conclude this list because i cannot think of anything to write about. this is some sort of weird writers block type thing. but it's fun just incessantly typing because it ends up feeling like a stream rather than a constrained turd coming out of a constipated elephant.

anyways laters.

peace.

Sky

Its strange when someone says something monumentally intense to you. I don't think its hit me yet, since im still trying to make sure if i actually read what i read. Right now though, i just don't feel like whats been said has made an impact yet - its a slow going one. I thought i might try something different today; instead of writing so haphazardly i might try and focus my writing a bit more.

You know, whenever i look up at the sky, i see the shackles of responsibility being released and a certain sense of freedom. Not only that, but the sky represents a canvas of different feelings; from the blue skies of tranquility to the brooding London skies that bring about the blues. I feel....like im flying through those irregularly shaped pieces of condensation hanging on the cobalt ceiling, into the blueness of sky itself. That penumbra between earth's atomsphere and space just seems so intriguing, like a boundary that merges into both sides; it epitomises going with the flow....

Mind Ecology

If there's something influencing my thoughts right now, it's these two things: Malcolm X's autobiography and Ghost in the shell stand alone complex.

Well firstly, what is deindividuation? psychologically speaking it's the idea of a loss of individuality in large groups - therefore because of this loss of individuality, you also lose your inhibitions, some of your morality and you feel less emotionally anchored by your surroundings. The best examples of deindividuation is in football hooligan crowds, where riots occur through masses that wouldn't normally commit atrocious acts normally. Now although football hooliganism and humbleness are oceans apart, i think the idea of losing something is important. What's lost is where the two differ, and differ they do!

Well, i think in a setting such as on Hajj, where everyone is dressed in the same attire, going to the same places, but are of different colours, races but are all united by Islam, is a setting for humbleness because you lose your ego in the process of gaining brotherhood and appreciating the sheer scale of the muslim ummah around you. By contrast, in a hooliganistic setting you only lose your morality and instead gain a boost in ego.

So when talking about deindividuation, you could ask; what is controlling or leading those crowds to think as a collectively and act with emergent behaviour? well the context is obviously the most important thing - where you are seriously affects how you act: or in other words reciprocal determinism (you are influenced by your environment but you can also influence your environment), however, in crowd situations where you are more deindividuated (and i emphasise MORE rather than a full deindividuation) i believe that this form of reciprocal determinism is more of a social psychological mind rather than an individual mind.

The best example of what i mean by that is emergent behaviour in termites - who can build large complex structures through simpler tasks - like a hive mind. If anyone has seen Ghost in the shell 2: innocence, i think what Batou says beautifully sums up what im trying to say about emergent behaviour: Our buildings represent the inner working of our mental structure...society's backbone idiosyncracies built on mortar and brick.

What he demonstrates here is the social psychological mind is constructed by the collective input of all those individuals within - so all these complex behaviours are the result of a complex social customs. However, unlike ghost in the shell, i disagree that emergent behaviour can have no origin or source, because if we think about the sociological and political changes brought about via religion they originate through prophets or messengers. Certain individuals can influence and bring about changes, but these changes evolve not through majority influence, rather a change in minority influence that slowly builds up into a zeitgeist.

I think though, that ideas originate from a source but as they evolve they can change over time, a bit like chinese whispers if you will.

So this is where the idea of demagogues come into play: i think you can bring about those changes and you can lead masses of people if you can evolve with the context those masses are in: With that you have to be able to feel your audiences reactions if you are to be sucessful, because if you don't follow the line of thought of the crowd than you cannot bring changes or bring about leadership. So to be a good leader what you need most of all is to be able to know your members feelings and to know how to address these issues, where you have indisputably done what you can to rectify anything or bring change that the social mind is thinking of. So in reality, to be a leader you need to know the social mind to a certain extent. So in order to bring social complexes to play you need to add simple adjustments which have a domino effect to creating something new.

One of the most important things regarding humanity as a whole, is the need for unity beyond the physical and we need spiritual or psychological links between Man. This is something i really do believe in, because we are so divided over race, money and insubstantial factors that don't conclude to anything productive for humanity as a whole.

However, i have to be realistic about the notion of humanity uniting beyond race or materialism since we humans are very in tune to our own habitual natures which are built upon immediate materialism and immediate physical appearances. What i want to say is that people enjoy their quirks and habits and if someone or something new tries to enter can break that habit. So trying to bring in unity will be difficult because it will involve treading on people's habits and toes to get them firstly motivated to a cause and secondly not afraid of new things. Even in today's society we are still seperated by these racial boundaries, but only now it's not so explicit, it's alot more implicit and privately kept in order to maintain a falacy of "political correctness".

We need to go beyond these racial boundaries and be united as Man. I can understand why alot of people enter islam - purely because there are no prejudices on what race you are - you can join without being intimidated and feel loved by brothers and sisters from all over.

"The creator has a master plan - peace and love for every man"

Peace.

Variations Op. 41

It's been strange recently; hearing of all this bad news recently - first my aunt breaking her leg , then my uncle in pakistan who's had to have surgery for a weakened heart, followed by a family friend who's having renal problems and now tehreem's uncle passing away...it's almost as if bad karma or something beyond the palpable is at work. What's worse is the deepened uncertainty of what my future ahead holds in store, university is sort of a no go right now and im not sure what to do or where to go.

The idea of formality and responsibility is really scary for me, i don't know particularly why, but i just feel the need to procrastinate my childhood out alot more longer than should be. Everything is very scrambled and irresponsible to say the least :P. All i can say on the matter (since it's one i dilligently evade alot since im a lazy turd) is needs sorting (ah i love the oxymoronic view point).

Man, if there's one thing i've been doing this holiday and doing well is being a hermit. Hell if there was a PhD available i'd be signed up for it :P. There's two reasons for it: firstly, in the holidays at this time of the year, i usually only talk to people on msn, but that's gotten to a point where it's just stale and mundane. Because of it its almost like being stuck here in this house has made me bit brain dead, where thinking and communicating was something i've not done in a long time....i suppose that's why im writing now, since this seems more like a last resort than anything, besides im not really interested in making small talk because i don't feel it makes you feel you're particularly evolving with the person - which is why i probably hate going on msn since alot of people just do that. But saying that though, im a hypocrite because i never can instigate anything that's more substantial than small talk (mainly because i can't think of anything that really begs me to ask people about it) so i just help the cycle. With the hermiting, i feel im a bit more crazier, a bit more unstructured and disorganised with my writing, my sense of speech and mannerisms. Im confused with alot of things to say the least, but most of all im confused with what to do or where to go.

If there's one thing i'd say about myself is that im a irresponsible, useless individual alot of the time, who has a certain lack of intuition or common sense. I don't say that lightly or comically, but bitterly. I know it's the truth and i SHOULD do something about it, but i feel that because i SHOULD i feel im being pressed into it because it's what is expected and not what i expect - out of my control, in an external locus. So once again, the jagged disc revolves back around to the idea of a lack of control and the question of what it takes to accept responsibility. There's something in me saying "yes you should do something about it rather than conjecturing" but how can you just do it....breaking old habits of insecurities is hard to do, and like the title of the post suggests, doing it leads to variations (the ups of momentarily defeating it only to come around - old habits die hard).

Anyways, this pointless rant about lack of responsibility doesn't feel potent enough to make me want to do something about it, but it's just nice to have something written down and communicated to whoever. It's not even thoughts...it's just random squabble coming out....lemme see if i can think of anything occupying my mind.

well thinking about it for a minute, it's just weird images of colours contorting than evolving into a swirl and spiral of a plethora of colours that look shiny and metallic. Actually what's strange is the bout of dreams that i've had either involving epic battles in places in between something out of Tron or The Matrix....i remember this one dream where the whole place was in black with neon colours all over the place but there was normality as well with surburbia greenery mixed in with that dark black. We (a group of resistence fighters) were running from authority figures, through the houses until we came to some sort of cable car structure but was made out of bricks. The fighters decided in order to finish the war we'd have to blow the core - which could be seen anywhere in this city (? i think that's what it was - the places where this dream took place reminds me of something of the hills around hollywood, with the random scattering of lights in a sea of black which the roads and houses occupy). The core looked like a large white structure, though brilliantly white, there was something malicious about it, something that just gave you the idea of hostility and a bleak coldness to morality and the right thing to do. So we went on this cable car to the core, but what really struck me was this idea of "The One" that's present in the matrix - usually in these types of dreams im usually that sort of figure, but in this one i helped "The One" get to the goal he needed. Oh yeah with these dreams, im never in first person either - it's always third person. Maybe i just have no faith in myself that i've settled for third person....damn that's bad and needs recifying.

Anyways it's getting late and im tired. Nice writing this stuff out though, at least some of my thoughts managed to get transcribed. Next time i'll try and mention Malcolm X's autobio and GITS SAC. til then - ciao!

My favourite things.

Pharoah fucking amazing Sanders.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=M7B1QZIZ

The Creator Has A Master Plan

Moo. That's the word right now. As well as Mum. I never knew how boring sitting on the net can be. Now the animés are really kicking in for enjoyment, although i have to say im glad i got the pharoah sanders ticket sorted out. Well chuffed seeing ze legend in action. Also im absolutely loving Monster, i cannot iterate enough, that animé has the most complex character development i've ever seen in an animé. It's incredible how everything intertwines in random bits linking together. An existential journey to how we live - some in despair seeking death and looking at the world in futility - real nihilists and others looking at the world for connections you can make to the soul. These characters have their backgrounds to how it all works. It's not just a journey for Tenma the main character searching for the demon outside him, it's also in him and how he tries to cope with the Monster that resides. It's seriously awesome - i cannot believe the complexity of the storyline, it's very well written. I have to admit, some bits are slightly tacked on, but you're gonna find that nearly anywhere with a complex story with exceedingly complex characters. You can even see the emotions on people's faces done well, even though the animation is dated. For me the biggest highlight is, without a shadow of a doubt, the character development. I've spoken enough about that, but i cannot praise it enough. Even the political veins through the story let their blood flow through to the heart of the story and the complex characters. I wish i watched it in full rather than randomly piecing it, because watching it randomly has made the story seem longer than it really is and perhaps made the thing a bit weird with the tacked on bits. So yes, Monster = very awesome.

The most interesting thing happened yesterday though - talking online with the T-1000 Turok about the nature of the universe and the dimensional aspects to these universes. It was the most intense conversation i've had in a very long time philosophically. The last i remember something like that was back in BCB staying at Adz house. Ah that was a good time - staying up all night just talking about the directions in life and having an existential talk. What the conversation yesterday was about was mainly to do with how because the world never remains constant and everything is recycled - whether it be nutrients or history's lessons and traditions (btw wtf is postmodernism? is it just another culture? i mean everything we do is "modern" so if you go past postmodernism isn't that the future? or just something more modern? - i digress again) that it's an illusion - which is a fair enough judgement. But the real meat was how the prophet SAW travelled on the Buraj to the heavens, beyond where even Gabriel (could never spell the arab version) couldn't go. It was like going through as light. Afterall the prophet SAW is called the noor of the land. Furthermore, it says that those who enter heaven shall be given eyes to comprehend the light of heaven. Light itself is energy (photons, etc) but it got me thinking - there's only a small spectrum of light we can visibly see (hence visible spectrum) but there's so much more light we can't see - UV, Gamma, X-ray, etc. So would this light be of the same sort? i doubt it would even be one of the examples i gave - afterall it's in another dimension beyond this, where there could be different forms of light. Hell we don't even know what's going on in our dimensions. Afterall, as Hume suggested "Science is ultimately based on faith" because all of the causal links made are not easy to prove. He made a valid point - where humans make a causal link between one thing and another, when it's possible that they aren't linked. For example, if i throw a brick at a window and the window smashes - it's possible that the window might not smash and that automatically we assume brick - window - smashed.

But that aside - look at how science works. Take chemistry, almost ALL of chemistry is based on theories and mathematical assumptions which are based on other theories. For example, no-one really knows how catalysts work, or what exactly the atomic structure is or what's INSIDE an atom - there's electrons and protons and quarks and all that, but it's mostly theory. My point being that though there's empirical evidence to SUGGEST that these might be right - we'll never know for sure. Same with the THEORY of evolution - it's merely suggestions. So fair enough, science is the closest thing we are gonna get to some reasonable sense of the world, but our reason should also look at the fact at the MASSIVE gaping holes in our knowledge of the world and how possibly we should doubt even the science many of us depend on - afterall scientists try and doubt each other as much as they can - for ego's sake or to prove a theory false and come up with another one. Don't get me wrong - there are rules - like we cannot create or destroy energy, but these rules are few and far.

So back to the topic, the prophet SAW went through these dimensions as perhaps different forms of light (this is another theory mind you :D) and i think the connection for those forms is the soul. Maybe that's why scientists cannot figure out why our weight is more than all the calculations suggest - the soul is there, waiting to be released after death, to be transformed and taken into different places. Just like how light can be refracted or converted to different energy - e.g. light from a bulb as well as heat. Now you might think if God is made up of light, then could he be (yes here cometh the blasphemy) and i think the answer is simply no - it goes back to the rule "energy cannot be made or destroyed" as well as if god was omniscient and omnipowerful and all the other omnis (apart from omnious and related ones) then it would surely make no sense to be able to be refracted in the same way - light in our dimension can be bent or reflected, but i don't think god's light is the same purely because it's the source. I think what the world and nature show us is the minute fraction of God's light being poured down in its visible form to humans - the genius of god's creation. I think i also have an answer for those who say how can god be cruel - everything is recycled in this world - our own bodies are recycled - so in reality we (physically) become part of god's creation on earth and these dimensions (if we pass beyond earth into the known universe). It also says in the scriptures that those who suffer in their souls in this world will be recompensated in the hereafter or in other words - another dimension. As for how can god exist without time if he "created" (created is past tense therefore how could he have creat-ed if he doesn't live in time or space) is purely for the fact that god is in another dimension or outside dimensions even - he is not limited. Perhaps infinity is another dimension - and that might seem paradoxical, afterall dimensions imply limits but inifite is not limited. That i suppose is the closest thing i could possibly call it. Some people might call that an unreasonable cop out, but i ask them to look into how empirically we could prove otherwise - and i highlight PROVE.

Furthermore, because we cannot in full prove much, this world hasn't got many truths to it (metaphysically i mean - not colloquially or mundanely in human livelihood) therefore it perhaps is really illusionary. Personally im of the grey part where belief is sometimes all we got to rely on.

Oh yeah, i'm loving Green Milk's stuff, incredibly progressive but refreshing with a taste of Kraut rock in it. It's like a mix of colour haze and mars volta but just longer - the songs don't seem to be that epic, they just seem like jamming moments all the time but with a purpose - a subtle but energetic one - due to the kraut influences. Oh yeah, looking at other posts, thought i might stick a picture up so i think i might use a classic BCB folk tale of art times one:





















Ah the beautiful picture that was plagarised for an art exam - lovely :).

speaking of nice pictures, was looking through the old hokusai pics and still love them.

peace out.

You Got To Have Freedom

Well, the exams are finally over. I feel alot less stressed now, but hey it's only a small portion of what's left. Let's see if the ending in June ends with a bang :D. Right now im bare tired, im playing guitar, listening to music and waiting for my downloads to finish including my surfings on the net. Dungen is pretty damn good, although the guy's voice sounds a bit mank at times - then again i do listen to The Mars Volta. This band's stuff reminds me of white stripes mixed with alot more expanding rhythms. I especially love Familj and Sa Blev Datat or whatever it's called. Got back into Monster recently - which is most interesting. It's odd how even though it's been god knows how many months it's just sunk back in. It's starting to get more interesting - there's so many damn characters and their development. I can say confidently it has one of the best storylines character development wise - each character is complex in their own right, from the minor characters to the major ones. In that sense, Monster is a masterpiece. To be honest though, the storyline is waving about alot of the place but i think for me that's coz of my broken viewing of the whole thing.

So what to do now? i got an interview coming up and i really gotta start preparing that one soon because it's in 2 weeks and i really want to smack this manchester one because manchester really is a second home to me. well i think that's all i really wanted to say today - not sure i'd i really wanted to say much, just felt more obligated to write something down because my exams have finished. It's fun doing this no doubt, but it does feel a little tacked on at times.

Oh yeah i've not done anything for Satori, which is something i need to look into - i might start getting him back on track, afterall i only wrote a short bit. But before i write anything i want to plan this thing out - if it's gonna be a short one or a long one. One of my friend's blogs (Adnaan's for that matter) has this wicked short story and it got me thinking about writing one. Not sure if i want to put Satori in one, although i could have it as a chronicle for the big thing. That'd be interesting - kind of like Zelda in it's various forms.

Anyhoo im out. peace.

6244 - Chemistry Bafflement.

Yikes! it's the day before the exam and im feeling a little unconfident. Considering Biology's weird exam and what other people have told me about the other chemistry exams, im feeling slightly wary edexcel is going to give us a bang before the penultimate bang in June for this syllabus - something weird. Just for revision's sake:

Amides:

Formed by:

Acyl Chlorides + Ammonia >>>> Primary Amide + HCl

Acyl Chloride + Amine >>>> N-methyl Amide + HCl

Carboxylic Acid + Ammonium Carbonate >>>> Ammonium Ethanoate (which disassociates upon heating - dehydration into an Amide)

Reactions:

HYDROLYSIS:
Amide + H+ + Water >>>> Carboxylic Acid + Ammonium

Amide + OH- >>>> Amide salt (that can be hydrolysed by a strong solution of acid - similar to esters and Sodium -noates)

DEHYDRATION
Amide - H20 >>>> Nitrile (dehydration using P4O10)

HOFFMAN'S DEGRADATION
Amide + BR2 + NaOH >>>> Amine (with one less carbon)


Amines:

Formed by:

Reduction of Nitriles and Amides

Hoffman's degradation of Amides

Halogenoalkane + excess NH3 in ethanol


Reactions:

BASIC:
Amine + water >>>> Amine with a NH3+ charge + OH-

Amine + HCl >>>> Amine with NH3+ charge and Cl- ionically bonded to NH3+

Amine with NH3+ charge + OH- >>>> Amine + water (therefore first reaction is reversible).

ACYL CHLORIDE REACTION:

Amine + Acyl Chloride >>>> N-Methyl Substituted Amide

Moo.

Whilst guzzling on this most sumptous of pizza meals i find myself more relaxed. jolly good off to watch monster.

peace.
Amino Acids:

Solids at RTP due to strong ionic attractions that form between -VE COO- end in one Zwitterion and +VE NH3+ end in another Zwitterion.

Zwitterions either gain a H+ on the COO- end or lose a H+ on the NH3+ end depending on whether H+ ions are added or OH- ions are added (respectively)

From The Planet Orange

So i was just wondering how on earth this chemistry exam is going to pan out. I mean for crying out loud, these organic equations seem to dissipate into thin air. It's almost like a pouring water through a glass with a hole at the bottom. Keep trying though, after all what's the point of giving up, anything could really spruce the whole thing up from one grade to another. Speaking of that, why am i writing now? craziness indeed. Im a lazy turd. Anyway academica is depressing, especially in Brampton lol.

Recently i feel more socialist. It all started on Christmas Eve, on Queensway, of all places. We were sitting outside a restaurant who's name surpasses me and we were talking to the locals. One Yugoslavian guy though was what was really interesting. He started telling us about his time in the Red Cross; how he got shot in the leg, saw injustice in lebanon and more. He told us about the socialist rule and how yugoslavia was at the centre of WW2. But when he started talking about how socialism is coming up i got really interested, because currently democracy is not enough - in this society democracy simply doesn't work because only a few people can really ever be chosen. For example in the UK the government race is really between Labour and the Tories, which is quite frustrating because not many other voices get to be heard through the corporate bantering. Also elections can be easily rigged; take the scandal surrounding Bush Jr's first election and the rigged elections in Florida and the denial of Black American votes. Some of the ideas behind socialism are really intersting though, like the equality of everyone - regardless of race - quite the opposite of a capitalist regime. However, my main gripe with socialism is that it can be quite idealistic and the implemented forms especially Communism are brutal at times. But the ideas behind the equality and the justice systems are quite good.

It made me realise that Islam is quite socialist. It had democracy with a Marxist twist to it. The Khalifa state is practically parliamentary, but the Khalifas themselves were involved in every day life and did not wish to be paid substantial amounts. Fair enough this was on a small scale, but it got me thinking what it would be like on a larger scale like a whole country and then i realised it'd be like a socialist regime - Khalifas in districts and towns involved in the affairs of the proletariat. Personally i think that's the best way - right now democracy is too cold and formal for the proletariat to be really taken into consideration. Policies are made from 2 main groups, which doesn't give much scope for choice for a true democratic proposition. I'm not saying let's overthrow the British government because that's just simply wrong - it's not our country, but i feel the country would be a much better place if it were more localised. Maybe im being too idealistic and there are perhaps hurdles that are in the way, but when i see things like convicts being released and then attacking again, it makes you think about what this society defines as "justice" or "fair".

But that's just me, i just like equality without racial discrimination. We have too many subcategories as humans and race is one of them. I really dislike it when people from one race stick to their own cliques. Saying that though, i'm not propogating that we should not have groups where there are people of the same race and what not, it's just these groups should not be closed off. I remember in woodhouse, alot of the groups just seemed closed off for entering and it was really hard to enter as an individual. It's really funny to see how people just block out others from groups. It makes it harder to fit sometimes.

When that happens you start to become more withdrawn, and eventually more nihilistic so that the people who matter try and talk to you sort of phase out of your mind. That's not a good feeling at all and is a bad habit. Speaking of phasing out, not done that in a while lol, so that's good. However i do find it hard to connect to many people in college purely because alot of people talk on a superficial level. That's not saying they are or aren't superficial, it's just hard to see it. I've not really had a good conversation with someone from college in a long time - one beyond the trivialiaties. I think i might just start instigating it, but i always never know what to say - probably because i think about it too much - much like im doing now.

As for recent events, well i've been worried about some stuff recently, nearly on the verge of tears (and i've not cried in 3 years - this was the closest to getting me there). What that made me realise was the scary effects of holding onto your ego like a protective blanket to cover your insecurities. Insecurities about the lack of control over yourself and needing to get some control so looking for any scrap of ego boosting to get that sense of accomplishment and betterment. What it does do to you is isolate you because you want to feel superior to other people. I've always wanted to be equal but this ego thing makes you want to be superior in order to control and lead your own life. I realise that's not what you need - how can we be superior? we are merely specks of dust in the oceanic spanse of the universes. Even in our own world what is superiority going to give you? respect? not if you crave superiority like you crave food if you are famished - who is going to respect a insecure and perhaps even depraved person if they desire obsessive for superiority? That train of thought is an abyss of negativity which is not even worth worrying or complaining about. I just want to be myself, without trying to forcibly prove something to someone - without trying to seek control when it's there. I will try and abandon arrogance because it's deviated me from the path i set out those years ago. I remember when i wanted that humbleness and it just went awry because of this crazy need to have some adolescent sense of control. It's time to let it go and get control.

Although this quote doesn't really have much to do with what i've spoken about, i just wanted to end with quote from the prophet SAW because it's been on my mind for a while:

"I can understand why we fornicate, i can understand why we steal but i cannot understand why we lie".

Before i go, im not saying i don't lie - that would be lying :P. it's just an inspirational quote to reduce lying if anything.

peace out.