Singing Winds, Crying Beasts

As the letters slowly stroll out of my head, like a lumbered Atlas trying to paint, i sit and consider some things. The first being the book on my lap, looking up at me aimlessly, desiring attention and notice. The second being the whirlwind of Joy from hearing Shakti's live sessions. The violin cascades frantically like gusts of wind dancing in the night, its partner the yellow and unforgiving sand in the deserts. The drums provide the inevitable thunder that is brought to our attention from the ever sharp wind. Vibrations from the guitar pull the sand up into a storm of sound. It's the epic and grand indian style that's intriguing, that's drawing me into the epicentre of it all....a moment of full concentration where you get lost. However sometimes i just phase out into a blank space, a trance the music gets me into - it takes me beyond music and into an empty space. It's not a hollow sense, it's more like just being empty for a while, escaping the hustle bustle around you. It's a form of meditation - but not as potent as something along the lines of Buddhist chanting.

Im enjoying it alot to be honest, i neglected it for a while but really Shakti is one truly magnificent band. I think they are more humble than many of the acts out there, as they have no major popular consensus or hype and so it's really in a niche.

These days it's been alot colder; you can really feel the winter pounding away the leaves from autumn with its cold touch. Usually i'd be crying about the cold, but this year around it's not that bad - maybe i've grown accoustomed to London oddities or im just learning to try and deal with the cold in a more....controlled manner. Sort of like holding onto a balloon without popping it. I think the best day of these cold days was last thursday. It rained like the heavens were crying out and my god it was incredible. I know there's places where heavy rain is almost daily, but that kind of rain was quite nice to have. One thing i love about that rain is the sense of cleansing, physically and metaphorically. People run when there's rain but i just like to sit and enjoy it, being out in the rain is a nice feeling, although it can give you sniffly noses lol. I hope there's more rainy days like that, so i can just place myself in the rain and enjoy it. It's really odd to see people run from rain like it's a shower (no pun intended) of bullets raining (lol again) on you in a war zone.

The idea of the rain just brought me around to another thought; what i really want to do with myself. You know, im still tired of my environment around me and i really need a break out of here. The more i think about it, the more im thinking i should really just pack my bags after these exams and just go abroad for gods knows how long - just do it anonymously and discretely. It'd be the most interesting experience i'd ever undergo - i'd be in an alien environment, completely away from people i know of. Currently i'd welcome that, i really want to just do something completely random and crazy as that to just experience the world from another cultures perspective and be this new person, learn a new language, take on a new identity. Maybe having novel characters to write about is the closest thing to that, but i feel like doing it too. I complain of things not being potent, but that's only because i hinge everything on them or i just don't act upon the words. I thought words were hollow, but you know what, they really aren't. Words can lead to so many places as long as you use them appropiately. They are the empty vassal that you can receive or deliver, that needs to be filled with inspiration or actions or something proving they weren't transparent - having something full.

Just stop complaining. Don't be so hollow to claim that's beyond your control when it's not. These days the idea of a locked fate seems to be fading away into the strange abyss it came from. Right now i feel like i've had a delayed rebellious streak leaking out. What really fucks me over is in that insecurity of inferiority. Im not complaining, just labelling it out more concretely for myself. It's all like a blurred out opaque stained glass window where the inside looks completely different to what you think it looks like.

What about art? well that shakti stuff just spells out culture, one more indulged in spiritual ascension - the crescendoes of instrumental bliss feel like they are raising you upwards into a journey filled with various colours from different backgrounds - black, white, green, red - just vibrant and darker colours intricately blending into a pot of life.

so i'll say peace out folks. sayonara - hehehehe i guess that's where i might head to.

Chapter One: Freedom? - Sketches.

Light. In a world of shadow, the enigma of purity has always come to the rescue....but what if that world is deprived from light? oppression from the light by forces that be. Satori's tale is an enigma to that world. The individual who found the light and followed it.

A man walks through the path, the mandarin coloured leaves scattered along the road in the haze of Fall. The sun sings farewell on his delicate sketchpad of vibrant gold and magenta. The man looks curiously at the sky, pondering of the events that had just occured. He looks down, onto his chest and sees the wound, a fresh batch of the congealed rouge staining him. He realises. He looks at the sky for freedom. Looking at it as a long lost friend; a friend whom he had depended on whenever his actions and thoughts strayed. It had been his source of energy, his goal, his desire, passion, ambition and now the sun had granted his sketches to be painted across the sky now just as he was fading away, after being long trapped in the darkness he had loathed.

He smiled jubilantly, as his knees slowly collapsed into the myraid of leaves. Those leaves wiped his tears, his anguish and blood into the soil. They purified him, removing his pain and it was this that he no longer wished to fight for life. He closed his eyes as he felt life draining from him, but ever conscious of himself.....

Coffee and TV

The Boondocks. It's classic television, no question about it. A satirical take on American and Afro-american culture. I can't say there hasn't been an episode that's just made me burst out laughing - from the activist child's renegade political ideas, to the ghetto kid who's more ghetto than the "pimps" and gangsters. Definitely worth watching! Having a school play produced by Quincy Jones, has Denzel Washington and Will Smith and tells the story of Black Jesus in a predominantly caucasian school is bound for laughs.

Anyways, i thought i'd update this place with something. You know, everytime i come here my mind is baffled on what to write. Before i was brimming with ideas, now it's sort of becoming a chore to actually sit down and write something. It's coming from the top of my head at the moment. Personally i don't want to sit and talk about this or that personal issue, because it doesn't do anything - this sort of expression doesn't work completely. Maybe it's because there are people scrutinising it i don't know but either way, im not entirely sure what to talk about these days. I do want to talk about a picture or a book, but i've not actually got any materials right now. Maybe music? who knows. Well talking about music, I've been feeling various vibes these days, going from full out Hendrix Black Gold, to Cymande to Yoko Kanno and now im between José Gonzalez and the elevator music (i.e. Katrah Queyous, Nujabes, Fat Jon). Speaking of José Gonzalez, out of everything i've listened to, i find his stuff the most accessible to play with. I've not got any real idea if it goes, but that doesn't matter because i do actually go into some sort of trance when i do play. I can see why people find it soothing, but sustaining it is quite difficult so im working on doing just that. I did however see a change; a more positive one to say the least, especially with my rhythm playing. The more i play, the better it's getting, which im loving. My scaling technique is getting better, but definitely needs improvement...but im quite shocked at my drastic improvement in rhythmic strumming. These days im trying to mix chords, finger picking and riffage together....I don't know what kind of sound it is, but i'd describe it as a mix between the desert sound of Kyuss, José Gonzalez's chord sound, some small amount of Mclaughlin/Rodriguez, maybe a bit of Santana and some Hendrix. However it's no where near a real sound loool, but that's my interpretation of it when im playing.

So moving on from music, what about life in general? considering im running out of topics here lol. It's.....altering quite alot quite suddenly. These days im between worrying about universities, thinking about some people and where my mind is internally. It's quite a mixed bag and i wouldn't deny i get quite depressed these days, but you know what i think i need to tackle them one by one. Firstly let's get the universities out of the way. Then i think i'll work on the status with people, after that i'll fix out my mind a bit. These days it's quite haywire, sometimes i'm even losing coherency when i talk. A coupla days ago i was rambling on about some crap that i can't even remember. It's all a little hazy lol. Oh yeah not to mention the suicidal thoughts in between LOL. NOW that's depressing. Looking outside of my window, i got kind of worried you know, i was actually thinking about just standing on the edge of the roof....prepping myself for the plunge. Im surprised i've gotten this far, which definitely means it's serious. Trouble is, i think it's my own perception of the world rather than the world itself being cruel to me. My situation is not even that bad, but i don't think im adequately equipped yet to properly deal with it. Trouble is trying to find it through some perserverence and will power. Tough cookie indeedo. In fact i think i've been fascinated for a year now at least, but the stark and recent increase is slightly worrisome. Only slightly. Hey man it don't matter though, as i make sure i can be chillin' bob dylan then it's all good. Anyways, Free Palestine, Free Iraq.

Peace out folks.

The Knife/Honey Bed

Right now, im kind of.....pissed off but relieved. getting over it is hard man, because regret is seeping in. I should have seized the moment is all that's stuck in my mind. Well that's what WAS stuck in my mind. Now....it just feels like an epiphany hit me. Maybe i was disillusioned right from the beginning - maybe there wasn't a moment to seize in the first place. Like i said at the start, im pissed off but i think im also relieved under that frustration. Im pissed off because now i feel like i was hoping for more than what was there, that if there was something there in the first place then it just would have happened, and there wouldn't have been obstacles in between, not so quickly in anycase. I guess im relieved because it really did highlight that im going to have to wait a while. God is definitely humourous, but it's all good reason i suppose. In anycase, i think it really does open what i have to do currently; get through college, get my grades and get the fuck out. I am going to murder these exams now, im not going to waste my time getting distracted by other things. There's just no time, the world doesn't stop all the time for you, you have to pick yourself up and get moving. Im sure this isn't problematic enough to the extent where i would have to stop so that's why im picking myself up now. Currently though, im annoyed, ALOT. Only that opportunity arising would really nullify it immediately - i think. But i know that won't happen, so there is no point chasing it. If it happens, well it happens, just don't put too much exertion into hoping. Of course wish for a little, but don't focus your energy on it. I think that's what i need to start learning how to do; learn how to appreciate the amount of hope and positivity into a certain situation - a body ruled by BOTH mind and soul. Now is really the time to act on fixing my future destination, so i guess that's what i should focus on. Let's just hope getting annoyed won't distract my mind and no hope was used as a figure of speech there lol. My only issue at the moment is being annoyed at people around me; acting stupidly because im annoyed. I don't think i should even be that annoyed at the epicenter of my situation because i do not believe it to be morally right to act harshly because you didn't get something - those times where you should are really the times when your rights and beliefs are being compromised. So let's just focus on getting that balance - that yin and yang so to speak.

Anyways, as for other stuff, I recorded myself playing guitar. It's a strange experience....it makes me cringe out of embarrassment because of the really rough style - and that's being euphememistic. But there are moments that im particularly proud of though so i can't say it was all bad. What i really want to work on is trying to learn some songs - Hendrix being my influence for that. Listening to these rare recordings really gets me going; it makes me want to pick the guitar and lose myself in the beat laid out. I want to get better. I want to improve. I want to surpass myself, in every possible way - as a player, human, contributor to society, etc. It really hit me when i was walking back today, when Hendrix's sonic recordings really just struck a chord. He is a legend for VERY good reason afterall. If i can find that rhythm to play without worry and stiffness, then i think i'll be happy with my achievement. Im slowly getting there, but i've not mastered it by far.

I think that's enough for today though. Live life and be merry - don't give up on your beliefs or principles because someone wants you to be something you're not.

Sayonara folks.

Meditations: A Love Supreme

It's time, that limiting factor that betrays innocence. The hands of the clock incessantly turn, mercilessly stealing youth. But is that a bad thing? A life is not how much time you have, but what you do with it in the time you have. It's kind of strange....wandering in circles. Everytime there's a light, a darkness surpresses it. A yin to a yang. Waiting for it to happen doesn't help, so i want to do something about it. It's scary trying to adapt or modify yourself to what's around you.

As i sit here now, at this late hour, i realise this type of depression is ultimately brought on by your own inability to act. However, is it really fair to comment like that? afterall how easy is it really to drop your incredulous inhibitions when you've become dependent on them as they make up your perception. It's a strange thing indeed.

So, what about music? I've picked up the guitar more frequently these days. It's helping me to relax, it's flowing alot more these days then it ever did; whether that's the cause of musical apparitions at college or just general neurotiscism creeping into my mind im not sure, but i do like it. It gives me an added feeling of good will. It makes it more comforting when conversation fails. Speaking of conversation, where does that go? i have high expectations when i have conversation, therefore i can't make idle chitchat too often. Im trying to joke around, but it doesn't work much because i don't possess ze funny bone. Nevermind though, there's always other ways to get around, and im sure i will find them; it's only a matter of time.

As i was thinking today, Satori came back into my head. He's coming along alot more smoothly now. Oh yeah i've not mentioned who he is. Well he's an incarnation of my thoughts and experiences, which i will probably mold into a character for some sort of novel or story. His name stands for awakening, and an awakening he'll have, especially with the demon in him, that the reader may not be able to initially understand fully as it's unconsciously there. Perhaps i'll make it a blackout moment, like Grimmer's Magnificent Steiner in the animé monster. However, i really love the idea of the Kyuubi in Naruto and the violent red chakra it gives off so i think i might have this character do something like that if possible. He is stoically at zen yet troubled by social practices and morality. Politics may come into the fray, especially with the noir/hardboiled contrasted with a colourful look is what i have going with this. My main interest is to converge different cultures, so maybe indian jazz fusion mixed in with a noir hardboiled look with a protagonist (or antagonist? hehe) who is stoic yet troubled in a setting that is like 1930s chicago but mixed with colour, that kind of colour that makes you think of the cobalt blue skies, juxtaposed with the irregular but beautifully distinct white clouds in the sky....the kind of sky that makes you lose yourself in thought. The best idea of what im trying to convey is in The Animatrix, with Detective story and Beyond's look sort of fused together. Maybe even with Kid's story's rough sketchy look could make an entrance in mind. Though it's a novel, i want to paint a picture and then represent that to you in words. It'll be an interesting task, and i hope you will enjoy the end product, whoever is reading this. A musical instrument or style is appropiate at this moment. I like the idea behind Pulp Fiction - it takes all these elements and fuses them to make an interesting take on various pop cultures. That's the kind of effect im looking for. In essence it really is like mixing the esoteric japanese animé idioms with chinese philosophy in a noir setting. So what about Satori's appearance? well i was hoping for a trench coat, it seems like it might be a long coat, but i don't mind a shorter one....the idea i have for the look is danté from devil may cry mixed with colonel mustang from full metal alchemist. He should alot of scars, internal and external. This is sort of a memoir for me to remember this character, because i really do want to make something out this creation. It's a love of writing becoming supreme in a way hehe.

The MSN name i currently have: "The notions of a madman are looked upon with disdain. His existence society rues" is one line i have for the novel. Another line is "Time tumbles away like autumn leaves, the leaves changing over seasons until the fall".

With that i think this post should be ended, as it's really late and i should get up tommorow. i've got alot of work to do. UKCAT practice, homeworks and a pint of disicipline in between. For now though folks, cheerio and have a good weekend.

peace out.

Cocaine in my brain

HEHEHEHE im actually out of my head at the momenttttt. TIS JOKES BRES. MY GAWD I FEEL LIKE IM SPINNIN AROUND IN A CIGARETTE CALLED GEROME DEFOIOS. HE'S ME BLADRIN'S FROM DA GHATTO ENDZ. FA REAL HOME BOIS GETZ ME? LOOK YA MAN IM WORIA SO WHDAFACK? LIKE TOTALLY JAMAICAN. OOOO MY GOOOD LIKE, TUBULAR DUUDE. FECKIN HELL I THINK IM A NUT, CRAZY IN THE COCONUT. SEXCI LONG COITUS INTERUPTUS. THEY GOT SOME PiMp dAddY dRINk, See DaTs mE MuthA BuuzZzZa, LooOkOK nO TOUCHINN DOUGH HOME GYALS. SHAKE DAT ASS PIMP DADY. MEOW MEOW WOOF WOOF I LIKE THE SEA. GIVE ME A RIDE ON ZE DONKEY CALLED ESKIMO. MY WOLF HAS GOT A SHOOOATGUN. HUSTLE. sUp bITCHESSSSSSSSS! feel da riddum feel da rhyming time jivin' and divin' til im skivin' in the hivin' timez. joks z la lalalla pokemon GOOO! ASH KATCHAUM IS MY HEROZ HE LIKE GIVES ME BONA. So LiKkKIA miKA shake dat ass and give me a whhhheEEEEEE DAWWWWgyyyy. i don't know what's going on but it sure is splinter cell wank. danger wankadelic. ESSI COMING FOR U MOMMA! NOW I KNOW U DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT! HMMM-MMMM!

take it easy folks. rock dudes and dudettes. give me ure digits sisters.

Pragmaticisma

After reading that email, i couldn't sit and carry on that previous post. Writing on, pining at myself for my own negativity was not something i could really do after that. I had to end it there and then; why talk of strenous perception, when it is disillusioned? I focused on Carver's negative representation what change can do to your perception, and the future of searching for an answer with a tainted perception. That is not a bad thing, as an literary artist Carver does an amazing job of depicting it. What i'd left is the accepting change, accepting that you have to give a little to be given in return. That you have to appreciate that perseverance also is a vital factor in changing for the better. That to discipline, focus and train yourself and will for the better is needed to lead a more fulfilled and positive life.

By the way, check this out:

Osman took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Desires release from an unsatisfactory situation a..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

it's really freakishly right.

Extreme Ways

Man. It's really been ages since i came here. I know i always say that, but this time i've been delayed by various things; friends, depression and personal statement. Raymond Carver - interesting author to read. I remember reading "Will you please be quiet please?" after a while and becoming entranced. The minimalistic writing style at first confuses you since it's hard to see what Carver is trying to potray. But when it clicks, my god it clicks. It's like a pool of ideas all in one place: voyeurism, family, identity crisis', change and adaptability to it. The last two ideas really strike me though, because they really hit home that sense of desparing loss of direction and humanity, offering at times concrete solutions to change and at other times no direction at all. Sometimes you can accept change, and at other times you can't adapt or modify towards it. The insanity of the journey towards change really fascinates me. People in those journeys tend to try and focus on very minute details - about themselves or others that inflict the twistedness inside of them. It's hard for them to focus on a certain "accepted" amount, an amount that wouldn't be so haunted to them. They focus on everything in order to establish and construct order, an order that is hard on themselves yet vital to their perception of the insanity of what they are going through. That perception however doesn't really help with what they are going through though - it only enforces the insanity. So what's the solution? simple - i've talked about it before, so i guess im going to stick with it: changing your perception. The problem is, trying to change that perception is hard because it's intertwined with what makes you as a person. How you construct sentences, how you view the world, what you think of people depend on it. Changing established constructs can be very difficult indeed, but perseverence isn't without it's

But what and how much is an "accepted" amount of perception?
As aforementioned - something that wouldn't be feel so strenous to the extent of being haunted by it. That's subjective no doubt, but the idea of something that isn't so strenous isn't.

This post is hereby ended.

Fried Neckbones

Well it's been some time since my last post, so thought the drawing board was a good place to come back to. When i look back on my last post, i feel kind of embarrassed; mainly because it just seems like a piece on drawing inspiration from yourself cum american cheesy movie. It's kinda odd sitting here, without a real conscious thought going on in my head - but im kind of used to it, everything seems kinda hazy these days. Conversation is the hardest part i suppose. I'm not a smart man, nor a wise man, but i do try my best when i can (excuse the rhyming). The thing with conversation is that, no matter what i'd try and say it never amounts to anything being interesting or steering the way. It's a uphill struggle, and more so with a pessimistic attitude. Random words float out of my mouth or hands and they just form a sentence if possible. It's like a stream of unconsciousness seeping out of my head. I just wish i had more control of my own mind, it feels like things just randomly come and go without any warning. Everyday just adds onto that sense of crazed nothingness. If a water lily can hold it's roots why can is my mind floating on an ocean of despair? It's fecked up if i should say so. Im probably over reacting, but it sure is frustrating to not be able to concentrate and think clearly....maybe i simply don't possess the ability to function normally. This all sounds so melodramatic. Every depressing comment i make here, another part of me, most likely a representation of the "outside" influences about me just make a critical remark and make it all seem so melodramatic. I don't think it can really be so melodramatic if it's affecting my normal functioning can it? It's all so hazy i can't tell the goddamn difference. My head feels like it's disappearing into a molten pot of complete waste. Arrrr! I am gonna try and be more optimistic, but these depressive bouts sure as hell don't add anything useful in helping me get out of this crazy situation.

Time will tell when it will do. Let's just see if my earthly creationism can reflect my agony.

Rhinoceros

So im sitting here, in my cousin's house on a laptop and surrounded by children - why choose to write now? well today i decided to myself to just be who i want to be - to stop focusing on others around me for my locus of control and instead try and focus on me being that locus. It's going to be tough definitely, but i hope to god i can pull it off. im optimistic about it but let's just see how the future pans out. I just want to be who i want to be, without worrying about what others think so much. Using myself as a locus might seem quite self-centred but being honest i think it's the least selfish thing i've done in my teenage life. I think i can now look at myself with a smile instead of a frown. I know i've got alot of uncontrolled rage inside of me, sometimes wrapping around me like a fiend of fire waiting to be unleashed, but i think in reality it's better to forgive. It doesn't take a man to lose himself to rage, but instead it takes a man to forgive. That might seem quite defeatist to some, but being honest i don't really care what those people think - the fact is you could be as defeatist by using your rage to control you're pent up frustration. What to do with the resovoir of anger? well some form of meditation, art or concentration excersises might help, but it really all bottles down to how i choose to live my own life. I know im starting to really delve into the melodies you can potentially produce on a guitar and it intrigues me alot. That sonic sense of soulful serenity when you know you've played something exactly as you pictured (or something like it with sounds) in your mind. I'm not going to focus on what to say to people, instead im just going to say whatever comes out. Admittedly that'll need control within reason - you can't be rude just because you feel like saying it.

It feels as if the slumber i've been under is finally lifting, but remembering all of that anger feels quite negative, more so than i would have liked. Hehehehe let's see how this mofo turns out lol. I'm not entirely sure what else to say at the moment, but all i know is that i'm more contented now than i have been in recent months. It's alleviating to have some confidence finally starting to seep through, but i'm not going to rely on what i think others want from me, instead i'll try to provide who i am as an individual (as much as you can possibly be) to around me. I've lived my teenage life always thinking things are either one way or another, unaccepting yet always knowing that having a reasonable sense of awareness of what's required from me in society has to be kept. For example, i have to accept some idioms that society project, but never accept anything i feel that comprises me as a person. I am a persona. I think therefore i am. To better yourself by learning around you is never a bad thing - my ego just got in the way of doing that. So what is my purpose in life? to learn - wisdom, knowledge and to educate. Why do this? i suppose my friend was right - to better yourself. I always knew that was what it was, but i didn't define it like that in my mind.

Life's a scary thing, just how to tackle it like a rhinoceros?

Red Clay

What is the subconscious? is it part of that innate knowledge that epistemiological rationalists talk about, or is the mysterious part of human nature that affects our actions as Freud said? It's strange, some philosophers describe having innate knowledge of everything, but not remembering it at birth. Personally, these philosophers are the forerunners in establishing the idea of a subconscious. Like the shadow under a tree where small beams of sunlight pass through, the subconscious comes into action in our conscious thought, but it leaves like it's kayser soza :P. As i walked down a road today, i just thought to myself that maybe my abilities are stuck in my subconscious. How to get them out? that's a whole different ball game. I'm not sure if you could ever bring those kinda things out. Sure you can bring up random thoughts and ideas, but to surface an ability? i'm not sure.... . They say that humans use less than 20% of the brain consciously; so i reckon it's stuck there.

Although i might not be able to extract out any abilties in there, i can sure address certain issues that are there, which i'm grateful for. Well it all started last week, where somebody said to me "have respect for yourself". At the time, having someone tell me that conflicted with my ego, and it still does; to not be able to figure it out yourself and instead having to be told what to do. It's how i've lived my life, and to be frank, i don't want to live that kind of life anymore. Taking orders from people, telling me how to do something - for once i just want to control what i do, without being petrified about the social circumstances. Although this conflict lingers on, i still know that it's good advice and so i've decided to take it on. Just like clay can be used to build, i guess im using respect to build myself up - reinventing myself. Not in the same way as you would think if you had an identity crisis where you try and build a personality which acts more like a facade than anything renewed or changed. I'm talking about using respect for yourself to rediscover yourself, life and everything else in between. It's damn good advice if anything. Usually, whenever i try to change myself, i focus on others around me and because of it, no-one can really believe i'm trying to change myself since they are too used to me being one persona. With that, my ambition dies over time, just like any inspiration does. Just like K'naan says "Time is a sword, cutting the ambition cord, we struggle each day but we carry on marching foward".

With that, im gonna end this one.

Peace out.

The Voyage

Why write a post called the voyage? well, why not? after hearing Sleepwalker's spiritually jazzy song at Jazz Cafe a coupla days ago, i guess i feel the rhythm flowing in my soul. It's start off with a saxophone intro that sounds like Yoko Kanno's intro in Jupiter Jazz. Soon, the song begins to take form, and the piano with the saxophone really lead the song into something spiritual. While i was standing there recording the song on Tarik's phone, i couldn't help but just grin like a Chesire cat; it was just astoundingly awesome.

That's for the title of the post.

Now what to talk about? i don't really know. I just thought to myself it'd be interesting to write something now, while im in the mood. I've got a coupla ideas but nothing concrete at the moment. Actually, you know what? im going to talk about the weekdays in this summer holiday. It's strange, you sit at a computer screen, and depression kicks in big time. You walk around the house, listening to people giving you orders but you don't follow them anyway. It bothers me since i want to break away from it, get out and enjoy some freedom. But whenever i do, that freedom feels more focused as a response to this rather than actually enjoying it. Don't get me wrong, going out to Jazz Cafe and such is always interesting, the music keeps it lively. Maybe i just need to loosen up even more lol. I wonder if i should even go and start socialising, but im too insecure of myself to really do that. It might sound really pansy-ass, but i really have no social skills. My conversations don't really go anywhere, or hit any comfort zone alot of the time. I'm not really a very good talker, so i tend to get nervous real quick. Hell i don't even think of anything, my mind is usually blank these days, like it's being sucked out with a straw and all that remains is empty hollow shell. I should just stop feeling sorry for myself, because at the end of the day, i have to sort this out. Mainly for my own goddamn sanity rather than other people.

I despise going to bed, unable to sleep because depression kicks in. To the extent of complete numbness, where living is a faded out object, and dying doesn't seem such a bad proposition. It's worrying that i'd think my existence is so futile, but these last 8 months have really brought me down. Especially with that in the way, why the fuck wouldn't it be? Sometimes i even question whether my physical presence is actually here....like im invisible. It seems like my mind exists on some plain, but my body is just an illusion: Cartesian Doubt. Can we even prove our empirical experiences are real? our senses can be deceived and anything we may think we have is subjective, so we can never know what anyone else may be thinking, so how does one know whether the experience is real or a piece of imagination? How do i even know anything exists? am i living a solipsist existence? these questions make me uneasy and paranoid, because they are depressing. So what i do say in response to those? well as Descartes said; Cogito Ergo Sum: i think therefore i am. It doesn't matter whether my physical presence is here or not; the fact i exist matters the most. What about other peoples' existence? If i lived a solitary existence, it'd be safe to presume that i would live a god like existence, because i would have created the world around me, like a solipsist would. The idea of god in this so called "false" existence, would be doubtful because i would have come into contact with the concept of god through experience e.g. holy scriptures. But if i was a god, would i live so limited? would i be confined into such a limited spatial existence? i guess i wouldn't. My limitations exemplify the idea that i can't be a god, so therefore i can't be the ultimate creator of the world around me if im so limited. As a result, something else would have created the world around me, be it a mere random event such as the big bang or god's existence. But then again can god, an unlimited celestial being be brought into a limited world? if a god can perform and has omnipotent powers, than surely god could alter his existence? otherwise god would also be limited because he would not be able to perform something. but then again, would a god think like a human? well he would alter his thought to do that. That sounds pretentious and narcisstic; calling myself a god, pssht wtf. If i was a creator, would i not know anything? surely a god wouldn't lose himself in a limited being. would a god erase his thought of being god? i think that's unlikely. So does everything around me does exist? i suppose it would do then. It's a little unnerving to label yourself something as profound as god, so i don't feel entirely convinced. Actually, a god would be able to move through his limited and unlimited existence, but could i do that? no. So i guess that really is the answer, and thankfully too! So i can say im no worldly creator and therefore something external really did create what's around me. So would it possible to say that my experiences are real? well that's one that's still uncertain; because while others may exist, my physical presence may not. Nonetheless, like i mentioned before, it doesn't matter; as long as im living as human as possible than it doesn't matter =).

HAHAHA, i suppose the post title was pretty appropiate in the end. With that I'm going to leave with that Descartes quote: Cogito Ergo Sum.

Waltz For Goddess

Back to the drawing board again. Well this time around, i decided i was going to stick to the sentiment i mentioned in my last post; which was to talk about something less self-centric. As a result it got me thinking, and i ended up stumbling upon this Ukiyo-e art piece by Hokusai. It's a well known piece, his most well known and it's called "The Great Wave Of Kanagawa". I remember talking about this piece for my art GCSEs, and being honest i never really looked to deep into it. I mostly spoke about the techniques Hokusai used to give the effects i was going to use in my course. But when i came back to this picture around last week it just struck me more deeply. What's brilliant about this piece is that nature is so simply yet so effectively personified. What might be seen as white wisps of foamy water in real life are transmuted into deadly phantom claws, which the sea uses to grasp onto the men struggling to survive, taking them to the beyond. The cold whiteness in a way reminds me of the true power of nature, that unsentient power that Man should be humbled by and in awe of, which is also accentuated by the towering water over the men. You would think that having claws changes the character of nature, making it more sentient than what it is, but i think Hokusai uses it to emphasise nature's power. There's something so ethereal about the power of this wave, in a way that doesn't need undefined wispy pastel use to accentuate it. For me the defined black lines which cause the wave to be personified instantly allows us to connect to nature, which you could say is a celestial experience. The claws also remind me of horses riding on the waves in a odd way. Hokusai's style is perfect for personifying nature because it's exact....so precise with the black outlines. The claw like nature of the wave is accentuated because of it. However, the more i think about it, the more i can see why Hokusai might've personified the wave. Alot of japanese culture revolves around Buddhism and Zen philosophy, which (i think) has a focus on nature having a spirit. Now that i think about it, maybe that wave really represents not just the power of nature, but the spirit of nature. It might seem morbid to see nature taking away life, but in reality, death is a part of life and nature. It's also quite interesting to see the blackness of the sky contrasted with the whiteness of the wave. What i think that represents is not just the idea of some sort of darkness to death, but the extent to which the men are trying to struggle against the weighted odds against them, which leads me to question the importance of living: you only get one chance in this life, why should you abuse it? when there are men like these rowers struggling for dear life, should you really choose to abandon it? some food for thought for me.

Moving on though, i think it's also very intriguing to note Mt. Fuji in the background and the struggling men. Why do i think that's interesting? well mainly because there are many men in the boats, struggling together with Mt Fuji: a symbol of japanese culture on the same level as the flag of the rising sun. What's also interesting about Mt. Fuji is that it's depicted with the same cold whiteness as the sea, as if nature is in harmony. Japanese culture has traditionally been collectivist rather than individualist i.e. Japanese culture tends to dictate ideals that are more in line with group harmony and filial behaviour than individual efforts. The men fighting against death from the great wave have the same uniformed look, are dressed in the same attire and their faces are hardly visible and non-individualised. Therefore, for me, those men are not only struggling for their own lives against the great wave, but they are also the symbol of quintessential japanese collectivism. Personally, although i live in an individualistic culture, i prefer the idea of collectivist culture because it sounds more harmonious. Individualistic cultures seem to be too focused on aspects that directly or indirectly involve your ego. The ego itself can lead to dangerous places without restraint, arrogance being one of them. Arrogance itself might not seem like a dangerous thing, but it is the symptom of far more complex human insecurities and ego defence mechanisms. The idea of a unified group seems to me more appropiate to appreciate your fellow human rather than trying to ultimately undermine him/her. Japanese culture has always interested me, and from Hokusai's piece i can see the roots of the later generations of animé and manga artists; that sharp distinct black outlined style is used heavily. But if i was to say one animé work that really reflects what Hokusai could have been saying about nature's power, than i would have to say that work is none other than Princess Mononoke by Hayao Miyazaki. The struggle for power between man and nature is highlighted quite significantly, but it is the spirit of the forest, which can choose to take or give life away, similar to an idea of a spirit of the sea as in Hokusai's piece.

Now that i look back, there are more points i wanted to make out, but they aren't coming or flowing out the way i wanted. Nonetheless, i managed to talk about what i really thought about this art piece, and added some on as i looked at the piece more. Art is a funny thing, but it sure does captivate people and bring their creativity to the forefront of their thoughts when a person is interested. As August Rodin said: "Art is contemplation. It is the pleasure of the mind which searches into nature and which there divines the spirit of which nature herself is animated". With that quote, i'd like to finish this entry.

The Black Widow Blues

My first time and i'm not entirely sure whether what im writing serves the purpose of a blog. Nonetheless, i'll most likely change the content to something more "blog-centric" later on. So what to talk about now as an introduction? maybe the strange feeling of feeling completely asocial. It's bizarre; how your uncertainty can affect so much of your daily functioning. For me, some normal functioning is pretty hard come by, i'm always uncertain of what to do in social situations especially. Even with the people i know im starting to lose that sense of comfortably being able to communicate with them. My mindset seems so distant....so alien to everyone around me: old and new. There's some dichotomy to it as well though; i want to socialise and connect, but when given the opportunity, i tend to just lose my patience and just leave as soon as possible. What's probably worse is that my mind feels like it's slowly decaying with every day that passes by, which probably adds on to this sense of futility. Like the grains of sand falling from one half to the other in a hourglass, my mind feels like it's being drained continously into somewhere beyond my conscious mind. It's like my subconscious is taunting me from the recesses, slowly taking bits of my consciousness until it engulfs me. It's an endless war i suppose, which seems so pointless. Rationalising in these situations never help; the conclusions proposed, while being true often are distant from any emotive reasoning. As a result, it's hard to connect and unify the conscious and unconscious. I think the best example of what i mean by this endless battle is the taoist belief of the yin and yang. For me, that idea of centralism, balance, whatever you want to call it is an ideal i hold onto dearly. I might have become a pessimistic person over the past few years, but i still hold onto some positive ideals. I'm guessing that's pretty much like any other pessimistic person. They never show it, but they still hope deep down for certain ideals to be fufilled.

What else? well the issues raised above as well the fact i feel like im always trying to compete with people in order to be respected and appreciated on a basic level at least. I always have this unnerving sense that people say they respect me, but in reality don't because there is nothing on offer from me to cater for it. It could be paranoia or the truth, that's beguiling to me. I suppose my approach is a very bad one though; trying to sell myself to other people, and losing sight of who i am. The concept of numerous Façades to keep face is probably the best one to imagine right now. Nevertheless, changing my perspective or approach can't be done unless i address some of the previous issues. Hopelessness is alot easier to fall into then rising up, which i suppose makes life interesting; like a challenge you've got to face up to. As confucius said: "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.". I suppose i should really take that into consideration and use it to remind myself as i change my perspective; maybe i could take whatever im facing as a challenge? but that might end up inflating my ego with a hollow base. Alot to take into account when there's alot at stake. But the main thing that perplexes me is whether at the end of it (if there is an end) i'll be different. At the moment, i feel as if im cold and aloof from everything around me. Hopefully i'll be able to alter my perspective. At the moment, i feel irritated towards some people, who socialise, interact and do things so much more easily and competently. When i see that, it adds inadequecy and incompetency to the hopelessness, as if fighting on numerous fronts. I know OF life being too short for being bitter, but i don't know HOW to pacify that bitterness and experience "Abitterness" as im going to phrase it now. For example, a person may know of a virtue/s but not know what or how a virtue is, if that makes sense; inexperience i would say. Maybe all these doubts at the moment are just distractions from acting. As Shakespeare said: "Our Doubts are Traitors, and make us loose what we Often may Win - By fearing to Attempt".

I guess on that quote, im going to end this first entry. Hopefully i'll come back to writing more. I might write something a little less self-centric, as i want to. But for now, writing this out probably alleviates that alieness to some small degree.