Fried Neckbones

Well it's been some time since my last post, so thought the drawing board was a good place to come back to. When i look back on my last post, i feel kind of embarrassed; mainly because it just seems like a piece on drawing inspiration from yourself cum american cheesy movie. It's kinda odd sitting here, without a real conscious thought going on in my head - but im kind of used to it, everything seems kinda hazy these days. Conversation is the hardest part i suppose. I'm not a smart man, nor a wise man, but i do try my best when i can (excuse the rhyming). The thing with conversation is that, no matter what i'd try and say it never amounts to anything being interesting or steering the way. It's a uphill struggle, and more so with a pessimistic attitude. Random words float out of my mouth or hands and they just form a sentence if possible. It's like a stream of unconsciousness seeping out of my head. I just wish i had more control of my own mind, it feels like things just randomly come and go without any warning. Everyday just adds onto that sense of crazed nothingness. If a water lily can hold it's roots why can is my mind floating on an ocean of despair? It's fecked up if i should say so. Im probably over reacting, but it sure is frustrating to not be able to concentrate and think clearly....maybe i simply don't possess the ability to function normally. This all sounds so melodramatic. Every depressing comment i make here, another part of me, most likely a representation of the "outside" influences about me just make a critical remark and make it all seem so melodramatic. I don't think it can really be so melodramatic if it's affecting my normal functioning can it? It's all so hazy i can't tell the goddamn difference. My head feels like it's disappearing into a molten pot of complete waste. Arrrr! I am gonna try and be more optimistic, but these depressive bouts sure as hell don't add anything useful in helping me get out of this crazy situation.

Time will tell when it will do. Let's just see if my earthly creationism can reflect my agony.

Rhinoceros

So im sitting here, in my cousin's house on a laptop and surrounded by children - why choose to write now? well today i decided to myself to just be who i want to be - to stop focusing on others around me for my locus of control and instead try and focus on me being that locus. It's going to be tough definitely, but i hope to god i can pull it off. im optimistic about it but let's just see how the future pans out. I just want to be who i want to be, without worrying about what others think so much. Using myself as a locus might seem quite self-centred but being honest i think it's the least selfish thing i've done in my teenage life. I think i can now look at myself with a smile instead of a frown. I know i've got alot of uncontrolled rage inside of me, sometimes wrapping around me like a fiend of fire waiting to be unleashed, but i think in reality it's better to forgive. It doesn't take a man to lose himself to rage, but instead it takes a man to forgive. That might seem quite defeatist to some, but being honest i don't really care what those people think - the fact is you could be as defeatist by using your rage to control you're pent up frustration. What to do with the resovoir of anger? well some form of meditation, art or concentration excersises might help, but it really all bottles down to how i choose to live my own life. I know im starting to really delve into the melodies you can potentially produce on a guitar and it intrigues me alot. That sonic sense of soulful serenity when you know you've played something exactly as you pictured (or something like it with sounds) in your mind. I'm not going to focus on what to say to people, instead im just going to say whatever comes out. Admittedly that'll need control within reason - you can't be rude just because you feel like saying it.

It feels as if the slumber i've been under is finally lifting, but remembering all of that anger feels quite negative, more so than i would have liked. Hehehehe let's see how this mofo turns out lol. I'm not entirely sure what else to say at the moment, but all i know is that i'm more contented now than i have been in recent months. It's alleviating to have some confidence finally starting to seep through, but i'm not going to rely on what i think others want from me, instead i'll try to provide who i am as an individual (as much as you can possibly be) to around me. I've lived my teenage life always thinking things are either one way or another, unaccepting yet always knowing that having a reasonable sense of awareness of what's required from me in society has to be kept. For example, i have to accept some idioms that society project, but never accept anything i feel that comprises me as a person. I am a persona. I think therefore i am. To better yourself by learning around you is never a bad thing - my ego just got in the way of doing that. So what is my purpose in life? to learn - wisdom, knowledge and to educate. Why do this? i suppose my friend was right - to better yourself. I always knew that was what it was, but i didn't define it like that in my mind.

Life's a scary thing, just how to tackle it like a rhinoceros?