Red Clay

What is the subconscious? is it part of that innate knowledge that epistemiological rationalists talk about, or is the mysterious part of human nature that affects our actions as Freud said? It's strange, some philosophers describe having innate knowledge of everything, but not remembering it at birth. Personally, these philosophers are the forerunners in establishing the idea of a subconscious. Like the shadow under a tree where small beams of sunlight pass through, the subconscious comes into action in our conscious thought, but it leaves like it's kayser soza :P. As i walked down a road today, i just thought to myself that maybe my abilities are stuck in my subconscious. How to get them out? that's a whole different ball game. I'm not sure if you could ever bring those kinda things out. Sure you can bring up random thoughts and ideas, but to surface an ability? i'm not sure.... . They say that humans use less than 20% of the brain consciously; so i reckon it's stuck there.

Although i might not be able to extract out any abilties in there, i can sure address certain issues that are there, which i'm grateful for. Well it all started last week, where somebody said to me "have respect for yourself". At the time, having someone tell me that conflicted with my ego, and it still does; to not be able to figure it out yourself and instead having to be told what to do. It's how i've lived my life, and to be frank, i don't want to live that kind of life anymore. Taking orders from people, telling me how to do something - for once i just want to control what i do, without being petrified about the social circumstances. Although this conflict lingers on, i still know that it's good advice and so i've decided to take it on. Just like clay can be used to build, i guess im using respect to build myself up - reinventing myself. Not in the same way as you would think if you had an identity crisis where you try and build a personality which acts more like a facade than anything renewed or changed. I'm talking about using respect for yourself to rediscover yourself, life and everything else in between. It's damn good advice if anything. Usually, whenever i try to change myself, i focus on others around me and because of it, no-one can really believe i'm trying to change myself since they are too used to me being one persona. With that, my ambition dies over time, just like any inspiration does. Just like K'naan says "Time is a sword, cutting the ambition cord, we struggle each day but we carry on marching foward".

With that, im gonna end this one.

Peace out.

The Voyage

Why write a post called the voyage? well, why not? after hearing Sleepwalker's spiritually jazzy song at Jazz Cafe a coupla days ago, i guess i feel the rhythm flowing in my soul. It's start off with a saxophone intro that sounds like Yoko Kanno's intro in Jupiter Jazz. Soon, the song begins to take form, and the piano with the saxophone really lead the song into something spiritual. While i was standing there recording the song on Tarik's phone, i couldn't help but just grin like a Chesire cat; it was just astoundingly awesome.

That's for the title of the post.

Now what to talk about? i don't really know. I just thought to myself it'd be interesting to write something now, while im in the mood. I've got a coupla ideas but nothing concrete at the moment. Actually, you know what? im going to talk about the weekdays in this summer holiday. It's strange, you sit at a computer screen, and depression kicks in big time. You walk around the house, listening to people giving you orders but you don't follow them anyway. It bothers me since i want to break away from it, get out and enjoy some freedom. But whenever i do, that freedom feels more focused as a response to this rather than actually enjoying it. Don't get me wrong, going out to Jazz Cafe and such is always interesting, the music keeps it lively. Maybe i just need to loosen up even more lol. I wonder if i should even go and start socialising, but im too insecure of myself to really do that. It might sound really pansy-ass, but i really have no social skills. My conversations don't really go anywhere, or hit any comfort zone alot of the time. I'm not really a very good talker, so i tend to get nervous real quick. Hell i don't even think of anything, my mind is usually blank these days, like it's being sucked out with a straw and all that remains is empty hollow shell. I should just stop feeling sorry for myself, because at the end of the day, i have to sort this out. Mainly for my own goddamn sanity rather than other people.

I despise going to bed, unable to sleep because depression kicks in. To the extent of complete numbness, where living is a faded out object, and dying doesn't seem such a bad proposition. It's worrying that i'd think my existence is so futile, but these last 8 months have really brought me down. Especially with that in the way, why the fuck wouldn't it be? Sometimes i even question whether my physical presence is actually here....like im invisible. It seems like my mind exists on some plain, but my body is just an illusion: Cartesian Doubt. Can we even prove our empirical experiences are real? our senses can be deceived and anything we may think we have is subjective, so we can never know what anyone else may be thinking, so how does one know whether the experience is real or a piece of imagination? How do i even know anything exists? am i living a solipsist existence? these questions make me uneasy and paranoid, because they are depressing. So what i do say in response to those? well as Descartes said; Cogito Ergo Sum: i think therefore i am. It doesn't matter whether my physical presence is here or not; the fact i exist matters the most. What about other peoples' existence? If i lived a solitary existence, it'd be safe to presume that i would live a god like existence, because i would have created the world around me, like a solipsist would. The idea of god in this so called "false" existence, would be doubtful because i would have come into contact with the concept of god through experience e.g. holy scriptures. But if i was a god, would i live so limited? would i be confined into such a limited spatial existence? i guess i wouldn't. My limitations exemplify the idea that i can't be a god, so therefore i can't be the ultimate creator of the world around me if im so limited. As a result, something else would have created the world around me, be it a mere random event such as the big bang or god's existence. But then again can god, an unlimited celestial being be brought into a limited world? if a god can perform and has omnipotent powers, than surely god could alter his existence? otherwise god would also be limited because he would not be able to perform something. but then again, would a god think like a human? well he would alter his thought to do that. That sounds pretentious and narcisstic; calling myself a god, pssht wtf. If i was a creator, would i not know anything? surely a god wouldn't lose himself in a limited being. would a god erase his thought of being god? i think that's unlikely. So does everything around me does exist? i suppose it would do then. It's a little unnerving to label yourself something as profound as god, so i don't feel entirely convinced. Actually, a god would be able to move through his limited and unlimited existence, but could i do that? no. So i guess that really is the answer, and thankfully too! So i can say im no worldly creator and therefore something external really did create what's around me. So would it possible to say that my experiences are real? well that's one that's still uncertain; because while others may exist, my physical presence may not. Nonetheless, like i mentioned before, it doesn't matter; as long as im living as human as possible than it doesn't matter =).

HAHAHA, i suppose the post title was pretty appropiate in the end. With that I'm going to leave with that Descartes quote: Cogito Ergo Sum.

Waltz For Goddess

Back to the drawing board again. Well this time around, i decided i was going to stick to the sentiment i mentioned in my last post; which was to talk about something less self-centric. As a result it got me thinking, and i ended up stumbling upon this Ukiyo-e art piece by Hokusai. It's a well known piece, his most well known and it's called "The Great Wave Of Kanagawa". I remember talking about this piece for my art GCSEs, and being honest i never really looked to deep into it. I mostly spoke about the techniques Hokusai used to give the effects i was going to use in my course. But when i came back to this picture around last week it just struck me more deeply. What's brilliant about this piece is that nature is so simply yet so effectively personified. What might be seen as white wisps of foamy water in real life are transmuted into deadly phantom claws, which the sea uses to grasp onto the men struggling to survive, taking them to the beyond. The cold whiteness in a way reminds me of the true power of nature, that unsentient power that Man should be humbled by and in awe of, which is also accentuated by the towering water over the men. You would think that having claws changes the character of nature, making it more sentient than what it is, but i think Hokusai uses it to emphasise nature's power. There's something so ethereal about the power of this wave, in a way that doesn't need undefined wispy pastel use to accentuate it. For me the defined black lines which cause the wave to be personified instantly allows us to connect to nature, which you could say is a celestial experience. The claws also remind me of horses riding on the waves in a odd way. Hokusai's style is perfect for personifying nature because it's exact....so precise with the black outlines. The claw like nature of the wave is accentuated because of it. However, the more i think about it, the more i can see why Hokusai might've personified the wave. Alot of japanese culture revolves around Buddhism and Zen philosophy, which (i think) has a focus on nature having a spirit. Now that i think about it, maybe that wave really represents not just the power of nature, but the spirit of nature. It might seem morbid to see nature taking away life, but in reality, death is a part of life and nature. It's also quite interesting to see the blackness of the sky contrasted with the whiteness of the wave. What i think that represents is not just the idea of some sort of darkness to death, but the extent to which the men are trying to struggle against the weighted odds against them, which leads me to question the importance of living: you only get one chance in this life, why should you abuse it? when there are men like these rowers struggling for dear life, should you really choose to abandon it? some food for thought for me.

Moving on though, i think it's also very intriguing to note Mt. Fuji in the background and the struggling men. Why do i think that's interesting? well mainly because there are many men in the boats, struggling together with Mt Fuji: a symbol of japanese culture on the same level as the flag of the rising sun. What's also interesting about Mt. Fuji is that it's depicted with the same cold whiteness as the sea, as if nature is in harmony. Japanese culture has traditionally been collectivist rather than individualist i.e. Japanese culture tends to dictate ideals that are more in line with group harmony and filial behaviour than individual efforts. The men fighting against death from the great wave have the same uniformed look, are dressed in the same attire and their faces are hardly visible and non-individualised. Therefore, for me, those men are not only struggling for their own lives against the great wave, but they are also the symbol of quintessential japanese collectivism. Personally, although i live in an individualistic culture, i prefer the idea of collectivist culture because it sounds more harmonious. Individualistic cultures seem to be too focused on aspects that directly or indirectly involve your ego. The ego itself can lead to dangerous places without restraint, arrogance being one of them. Arrogance itself might not seem like a dangerous thing, but it is the symptom of far more complex human insecurities and ego defence mechanisms. The idea of a unified group seems to me more appropiate to appreciate your fellow human rather than trying to ultimately undermine him/her. Japanese culture has always interested me, and from Hokusai's piece i can see the roots of the later generations of animé and manga artists; that sharp distinct black outlined style is used heavily. But if i was to say one animé work that really reflects what Hokusai could have been saying about nature's power, than i would have to say that work is none other than Princess Mononoke by Hayao Miyazaki. The struggle for power between man and nature is highlighted quite significantly, but it is the spirit of the forest, which can choose to take or give life away, similar to an idea of a spirit of the sea as in Hokusai's piece.

Now that i look back, there are more points i wanted to make out, but they aren't coming or flowing out the way i wanted. Nonetheless, i managed to talk about what i really thought about this art piece, and added some on as i looked at the piece more. Art is a funny thing, but it sure does captivate people and bring their creativity to the forefront of their thoughts when a person is interested. As August Rodin said: "Art is contemplation. It is the pleasure of the mind which searches into nature and which there divines the spirit of which nature herself is animated". With that quote, i'd like to finish this entry.

The Black Widow Blues

My first time and i'm not entirely sure whether what im writing serves the purpose of a blog. Nonetheless, i'll most likely change the content to something more "blog-centric" later on. So what to talk about now as an introduction? maybe the strange feeling of feeling completely asocial. It's bizarre; how your uncertainty can affect so much of your daily functioning. For me, some normal functioning is pretty hard come by, i'm always uncertain of what to do in social situations especially. Even with the people i know im starting to lose that sense of comfortably being able to communicate with them. My mindset seems so distant....so alien to everyone around me: old and new. There's some dichotomy to it as well though; i want to socialise and connect, but when given the opportunity, i tend to just lose my patience and just leave as soon as possible. What's probably worse is that my mind feels like it's slowly decaying with every day that passes by, which probably adds on to this sense of futility. Like the grains of sand falling from one half to the other in a hourglass, my mind feels like it's being drained continously into somewhere beyond my conscious mind. It's like my subconscious is taunting me from the recesses, slowly taking bits of my consciousness until it engulfs me. It's an endless war i suppose, which seems so pointless. Rationalising in these situations never help; the conclusions proposed, while being true often are distant from any emotive reasoning. As a result, it's hard to connect and unify the conscious and unconscious. I think the best example of what i mean by this endless battle is the taoist belief of the yin and yang. For me, that idea of centralism, balance, whatever you want to call it is an ideal i hold onto dearly. I might have become a pessimistic person over the past few years, but i still hold onto some positive ideals. I'm guessing that's pretty much like any other pessimistic person. They never show it, but they still hope deep down for certain ideals to be fufilled.

What else? well the issues raised above as well the fact i feel like im always trying to compete with people in order to be respected and appreciated on a basic level at least. I always have this unnerving sense that people say they respect me, but in reality don't because there is nothing on offer from me to cater for it. It could be paranoia or the truth, that's beguiling to me. I suppose my approach is a very bad one though; trying to sell myself to other people, and losing sight of who i am. The concept of numerous Façades to keep face is probably the best one to imagine right now. Nevertheless, changing my perspective or approach can't be done unless i address some of the previous issues. Hopelessness is alot easier to fall into then rising up, which i suppose makes life interesting; like a challenge you've got to face up to. As confucius said: "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.". I suppose i should really take that into consideration and use it to remind myself as i change my perspective; maybe i could take whatever im facing as a challenge? but that might end up inflating my ego with a hollow base. Alot to take into account when there's alot at stake. But the main thing that perplexes me is whether at the end of it (if there is an end) i'll be different. At the moment, i feel as if im cold and aloof from everything around me. Hopefully i'll be able to alter my perspective. At the moment, i feel irritated towards some people, who socialise, interact and do things so much more easily and competently. When i see that, it adds inadequecy and incompetency to the hopelessness, as if fighting on numerous fronts. I know OF life being too short for being bitter, but i don't know HOW to pacify that bitterness and experience "Abitterness" as im going to phrase it now. For example, a person may know of a virtue/s but not know what or how a virtue is, if that makes sense; inexperience i would say. Maybe all these doubts at the moment are just distractions from acting. As Shakespeare said: "Our Doubts are Traitors, and make us loose what we Often may Win - By fearing to Attempt".

I guess on that quote, im going to end this first entry. Hopefully i'll come back to writing more. I might write something a little less self-centric, as i want to. But for now, writing this out probably alleviates that alieness to some small degree.