Rhinoceros

So im sitting here, in my cousin's house on a laptop and surrounded by children - why choose to write now? well today i decided to myself to just be who i want to be - to stop focusing on others around me for my locus of control and instead try and focus on me being that locus. It's going to be tough definitely, but i hope to god i can pull it off. im optimistic about it but let's just see how the future pans out. I just want to be who i want to be, without worrying about what others think so much. Using myself as a locus might seem quite self-centred but being honest i think it's the least selfish thing i've done in my teenage life. I think i can now look at myself with a smile instead of a frown. I know i've got alot of uncontrolled rage inside of me, sometimes wrapping around me like a fiend of fire waiting to be unleashed, but i think in reality it's better to forgive. It doesn't take a man to lose himself to rage, but instead it takes a man to forgive. That might seem quite defeatist to some, but being honest i don't really care what those people think - the fact is you could be as defeatist by using your rage to control you're pent up frustration. What to do with the resovoir of anger? well some form of meditation, art or concentration excersises might help, but it really all bottles down to how i choose to live my own life. I know im starting to really delve into the melodies you can potentially produce on a guitar and it intrigues me alot. That sonic sense of soulful serenity when you know you've played something exactly as you pictured (or something like it with sounds) in your mind. I'm not going to focus on what to say to people, instead im just going to say whatever comes out. Admittedly that'll need control within reason - you can't be rude just because you feel like saying it.

It feels as if the slumber i've been under is finally lifting, but remembering all of that anger feels quite negative, more so than i would have liked. Hehehehe let's see how this mofo turns out lol. I'm not entirely sure what else to say at the moment, but all i know is that i'm more contented now than i have been in recent months. It's alleviating to have some confidence finally starting to seep through, but i'm not going to rely on what i think others want from me, instead i'll try to provide who i am as an individual (as much as you can possibly be) to around me. I've lived my teenage life always thinking things are either one way or another, unaccepting yet always knowing that having a reasonable sense of awareness of what's required from me in society has to be kept. For example, i have to accept some idioms that society project, but never accept anything i feel that comprises me as a person. I am a persona. I think therefore i am. To better yourself by learning around you is never a bad thing - my ego just got in the way of doing that. So what is my purpose in life? to learn - wisdom, knowledge and to educate. Why do this? i suppose my friend was right - to better yourself. I always knew that was what it was, but i didn't define it like that in my mind.

Life's a scary thing, just how to tackle it like a rhinoceros?