From The Planet Orange

So i was just wondering how on earth this chemistry exam is going to pan out. I mean for crying out loud, these organic equations seem to dissipate into thin air. It's almost like a pouring water through a glass with a hole at the bottom. Keep trying though, after all what's the point of giving up, anything could really spruce the whole thing up from one grade to another. Speaking of that, why am i writing now? craziness indeed. Im a lazy turd. Anyway academica is depressing, especially in Brampton lol.

Recently i feel more socialist. It all started on Christmas Eve, on Queensway, of all places. We were sitting outside a restaurant who's name surpasses me and we were talking to the locals. One Yugoslavian guy though was what was really interesting. He started telling us about his time in the Red Cross; how he got shot in the leg, saw injustice in lebanon and more. He told us about the socialist rule and how yugoslavia was at the centre of WW2. But when he started talking about how socialism is coming up i got really interested, because currently democracy is not enough - in this society democracy simply doesn't work because only a few people can really ever be chosen. For example in the UK the government race is really between Labour and the Tories, which is quite frustrating because not many other voices get to be heard through the corporate bantering. Also elections can be easily rigged; take the scandal surrounding Bush Jr's first election and the rigged elections in Florida and the denial of Black American votes. Some of the ideas behind socialism are really intersting though, like the equality of everyone - regardless of race - quite the opposite of a capitalist regime. However, my main gripe with socialism is that it can be quite idealistic and the implemented forms especially Communism are brutal at times. But the ideas behind the equality and the justice systems are quite good.

It made me realise that Islam is quite socialist. It had democracy with a Marxist twist to it. The Khalifa state is practically parliamentary, but the Khalifas themselves were involved in every day life and did not wish to be paid substantial amounts. Fair enough this was on a small scale, but it got me thinking what it would be like on a larger scale like a whole country and then i realised it'd be like a socialist regime - Khalifas in districts and towns involved in the affairs of the proletariat. Personally i think that's the best way - right now democracy is too cold and formal for the proletariat to be really taken into consideration. Policies are made from 2 main groups, which doesn't give much scope for choice for a true democratic proposition. I'm not saying let's overthrow the British government because that's just simply wrong - it's not our country, but i feel the country would be a much better place if it were more localised. Maybe im being too idealistic and there are perhaps hurdles that are in the way, but when i see things like convicts being released and then attacking again, it makes you think about what this society defines as "justice" or "fair".

But that's just me, i just like equality without racial discrimination. We have too many subcategories as humans and race is one of them. I really dislike it when people from one race stick to their own cliques. Saying that though, i'm not propogating that we should not have groups where there are people of the same race and what not, it's just these groups should not be closed off. I remember in woodhouse, alot of the groups just seemed closed off for entering and it was really hard to enter as an individual. It's really funny to see how people just block out others from groups. It makes it harder to fit sometimes.

When that happens you start to become more withdrawn, and eventually more nihilistic so that the people who matter try and talk to you sort of phase out of your mind. That's not a good feeling at all and is a bad habit. Speaking of phasing out, not done that in a while lol, so that's good. However i do find it hard to connect to many people in college purely because alot of people talk on a superficial level. That's not saying they are or aren't superficial, it's just hard to see it. I've not really had a good conversation with someone from college in a long time - one beyond the trivialiaties. I think i might just start instigating it, but i always never know what to say - probably because i think about it too much - much like im doing now.

As for recent events, well i've been worried about some stuff recently, nearly on the verge of tears (and i've not cried in 3 years - this was the closest to getting me there). What that made me realise was the scary effects of holding onto your ego like a protective blanket to cover your insecurities. Insecurities about the lack of control over yourself and needing to get some control so looking for any scrap of ego boosting to get that sense of accomplishment and betterment. What it does do to you is isolate you because you want to feel superior to other people. I've always wanted to be equal but this ego thing makes you want to be superior in order to control and lead your own life. I realise that's not what you need - how can we be superior? we are merely specks of dust in the oceanic spanse of the universes. Even in our own world what is superiority going to give you? respect? not if you crave superiority like you crave food if you are famished - who is going to respect a insecure and perhaps even depraved person if they desire obsessive for superiority? That train of thought is an abyss of negativity which is not even worth worrying or complaining about. I just want to be myself, without trying to forcibly prove something to someone - without trying to seek control when it's there. I will try and abandon arrogance because it's deviated me from the path i set out those years ago. I remember when i wanted that humbleness and it just went awry because of this crazy need to have some adolescent sense of control. It's time to let it go and get control.

Although this quote doesn't really have much to do with what i've spoken about, i just wanted to end with quote from the prophet SAW because it's been on my mind for a while:

"I can understand why we fornicate, i can understand why we steal but i cannot understand why we lie".

Before i go, im not saying i don't lie - that would be lying :P. it's just an inspirational quote to reduce lying if anything.

peace out.