You know, i think i've finally got the answer i was looking for. I was really struggling between love and spirituality but i think right now in this present moment and time my feeling is towards spirituality. I don't know man, i just feel....too blue for a relationship man - my head is too messed for that BS. Fuck wasting my time on it, i seriously don't have the mental patience to deal with that. I need to figure out how to build that strength i've always seeked out for now. Thats important - dealing with my confidence issues and inner strength as a person. I think thats why i kind of developed some of my internal masochistic tendencies because in all honesty, im a believer in experiencing some pain to get stronger and i feel that to be tempted by things in this world that should be more controlled and to learn to control those things more and more will do me wonders. I can't ignore those feelings because i don't believe thats strength....im more of a look it in the eyes and grab it by the balls type.
Its kind of strange....these freaky moments always come to me when im at my most frantic of mind states. Maybe im not thinking straight right now, who the fuck knows, but right now thats what i feel. I have this feeling that i'll change my path for spirituality as soon as i get some sleep and mull over these things. but i really don't want to. Maybe by choosing spirituality i can sort of feel a stronger sort of temptation that i can resist. I want to stand up and say no when i want and not be a slave to superficiality. I really don't know at this moment, its sort of scattered in a thousand places like a cherry blossom with streaks of violent violet indecision.
Just don't make fun of me, i don't know what to do. Im indecisive about who i am still. My franticity is sort of haywire and loose....loose enough to start making me think im losing a few screws LOL....only when im tired :P.
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