The Voyage

Why write a post called the voyage? well, why not? after hearing Sleepwalker's spiritually jazzy song at Jazz Cafe a coupla days ago, i guess i feel the rhythm flowing in my soul. It's start off with a saxophone intro that sounds like Yoko Kanno's intro in Jupiter Jazz. Soon, the song begins to take form, and the piano with the saxophone really lead the song into something spiritual. While i was standing there recording the song on Tarik's phone, i couldn't help but just grin like a Chesire cat; it was just astoundingly awesome.

That's for the title of the post.

Now what to talk about? i don't really know. I just thought to myself it'd be interesting to write something now, while im in the mood. I've got a coupla ideas but nothing concrete at the moment. Actually, you know what? im going to talk about the weekdays in this summer holiday. It's strange, you sit at a computer screen, and depression kicks in big time. You walk around the house, listening to people giving you orders but you don't follow them anyway. It bothers me since i want to break away from it, get out and enjoy some freedom. But whenever i do, that freedom feels more focused as a response to this rather than actually enjoying it. Don't get me wrong, going out to Jazz Cafe and such is always interesting, the music keeps it lively. Maybe i just need to loosen up even more lol. I wonder if i should even go and start socialising, but im too insecure of myself to really do that. It might sound really pansy-ass, but i really have no social skills. My conversations don't really go anywhere, or hit any comfort zone alot of the time. I'm not really a very good talker, so i tend to get nervous real quick. Hell i don't even think of anything, my mind is usually blank these days, like it's being sucked out with a straw and all that remains is empty hollow shell. I should just stop feeling sorry for myself, because at the end of the day, i have to sort this out. Mainly for my own goddamn sanity rather than other people.

I despise going to bed, unable to sleep because depression kicks in. To the extent of complete numbness, where living is a faded out object, and dying doesn't seem such a bad proposition. It's worrying that i'd think my existence is so futile, but these last 8 months have really brought me down. Especially with that in the way, why the fuck wouldn't it be? Sometimes i even question whether my physical presence is actually here....like im invisible. It seems like my mind exists on some plain, but my body is just an illusion: Cartesian Doubt. Can we even prove our empirical experiences are real? our senses can be deceived and anything we may think we have is subjective, so we can never know what anyone else may be thinking, so how does one know whether the experience is real or a piece of imagination? How do i even know anything exists? am i living a solipsist existence? these questions make me uneasy and paranoid, because they are depressing. So what i do say in response to those? well as Descartes said; Cogito Ergo Sum: i think therefore i am. It doesn't matter whether my physical presence is here or not; the fact i exist matters the most. What about other peoples' existence? If i lived a solitary existence, it'd be safe to presume that i would live a god like existence, because i would have created the world around me, like a solipsist would. The idea of god in this so called "false" existence, would be doubtful because i would have come into contact with the concept of god through experience e.g. holy scriptures. But if i was a god, would i live so limited? would i be confined into such a limited spatial existence? i guess i wouldn't. My limitations exemplify the idea that i can't be a god, so therefore i can't be the ultimate creator of the world around me if im so limited. As a result, something else would have created the world around me, be it a mere random event such as the big bang or god's existence. But then again can god, an unlimited celestial being be brought into a limited world? if a god can perform and has omnipotent powers, than surely god could alter his existence? otherwise god would also be limited because he would not be able to perform something. but then again, would a god think like a human? well he would alter his thought to do that. That sounds pretentious and narcisstic; calling myself a god, pssht wtf. If i was a creator, would i not know anything? surely a god wouldn't lose himself in a limited being. would a god erase his thought of being god? i think that's unlikely. So does everything around me does exist? i suppose it would do then. It's a little unnerving to label yourself something as profound as god, so i don't feel entirely convinced. Actually, a god would be able to move through his limited and unlimited existence, but could i do that? no. So i guess that really is the answer, and thankfully too! So i can say im no worldly creator and therefore something external really did create what's around me. So would it possible to say that my experiences are real? well that's one that's still uncertain; because while others may exist, my physical presence may not. Nonetheless, like i mentioned before, it doesn't matter; as long as im living as human as possible than it doesn't matter =).

HAHAHA, i suppose the post title was pretty appropiate in the end. With that I'm going to leave with that Descartes quote: Cogito Ergo Sum.