The Black Widow Blues

My first time and i'm not entirely sure whether what im writing serves the purpose of a blog. Nonetheless, i'll most likely change the content to something more "blog-centric" later on. So what to talk about now as an introduction? maybe the strange feeling of feeling completely asocial. It's bizarre; how your uncertainty can affect so much of your daily functioning. For me, some normal functioning is pretty hard come by, i'm always uncertain of what to do in social situations especially. Even with the people i know im starting to lose that sense of comfortably being able to communicate with them. My mindset seems so distant....so alien to everyone around me: old and new. There's some dichotomy to it as well though; i want to socialise and connect, but when given the opportunity, i tend to just lose my patience and just leave as soon as possible. What's probably worse is that my mind feels like it's slowly decaying with every day that passes by, which probably adds on to this sense of futility. Like the grains of sand falling from one half to the other in a hourglass, my mind feels like it's being drained continously into somewhere beyond my conscious mind. It's like my subconscious is taunting me from the recesses, slowly taking bits of my consciousness until it engulfs me. It's an endless war i suppose, which seems so pointless. Rationalising in these situations never help; the conclusions proposed, while being true often are distant from any emotive reasoning. As a result, it's hard to connect and unify the conscious and unconscious. I think the best example of what i mean by this endless battle is the taoist belief of the yin and yang. For me, that idea of centralism, balance, whatever you want to call it is an ideal i hold onto dearly. I might have become a pessimistic person over the past few years, but i still hold onto some positive ideals. I'm guessing that's pretty much like any other pessimistic person. They never show it, but they still hope deep down for certain ideals to be fufilled.

What else? well the issues raised above as well the fact i feel like im always trying to compete with people in order to be respected and appreciated on a basic level at least. I always have this unnerving sense that people say they respect me, but in reality don't because there is nothing on offer from me to cater for it. It could be paranoia or the truth, that's beguiling to me. I suppose my approach is a very bad one though; trying to sell myself to other people, and losing sight of who i am. The concept of numerous Façades to keep face is probably the best one to imagine right now. Nevertheless, changing my perspective or approach can't be done unless i address some of the previous issues. Hopelessness is alot easier to fall into then rising up, which i suppose makes life interesting; like a challenge you've got to face up to. As confucius said: "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.". I suppose i should really take that into consideration and use it to remind myself as i change my perspective; maybe i could take whatever im facing as a challenge? but that might end up inflating my ego with a hollow base. Alot to take into account when there's alot at stake. But the main thing that perplexes me is whether at the end of it (if there is an end) i'll be different. At the moment, i feel as if im cold and aloof from everything around me. Hopefully i'll be able to alter my perspective. At the moment, i feel irritated towards some people, who socialise, interact and do things so much more easily and competently. When i see that, it adds inadequecy and incompetency to the hopelessness, as if fighting on numerous fronts. I know OF life being too short for being bitter, but i don't know HOW to pacify that bitterness and experience "Abitterness" as im going to phrase it now. For example, a person may know of a virtue/s but not know what or how a virtue is, if that makes sense; inexperience i would say. Maybe all these doubts at the moment are just distractions from acting. As Shakespeare said: "Our Doubts are Traitors, and make us loose what we Often may Win - By fearing to Attempt".

I guess on that quote, im going to end this first entry. Hopefully i'll come back to writing more. I might write something a little less self-centric, as i want to. But for now, writing this out probably alleviates that alieness to some small degree.