The Knife/Honey Bed

Right now, im kind of.....pissed off but relieved. getting over it is hard man, because regret is seeping in. I should have seized the moment is all that's stuck in my mind. Well that's what WAS stuck in my mind. Now....it just feels like an epiphany hit me. Maybe i was disillusioned right from the beginning - maybe there wasn't a moment to seize in the first place. Like i said at the start, im pissed off but i think im also relieved under that frustration. Im pissed off because now i feel like i was hoping for more than what was there, that if there was something there in the first place then it just would have happened, and there wouldn't have been obstacles in between, not so quickly in anycase. I guess im relieved because it really did highlight that im going to have to wait a while. God is definitely humourous, but it's all good reason i suppose. In anycase, i think it really does open what i have to do currently; get through college, get my grades and get the fuck out. I am going to murder these exams now, im not going to waste my time getting distracted by other things. There's just no time, the world doesn't stop all the time for you, you have to pick yourself up and get moving. Im sure this isn't problematic enough to the extent where i would have to stop so that's why im picking myself up now. Currently though, im annoyed, ALOT. Only that opportunity arising would really nullify it immediately - i think. But i know that won't happen, so there is no point chasing it. If it happens, well it happens, just don't put too much exertion into hoping. Of course wish for a little, but don't focus your energy on it. I think that's what i need to start learning how to do; learn how to appreciate the amount of hope and positivity into a certain situation - a body ruled by BOTH mind and soul. Now is really the time to act on fixing my future destination, so i guess that's what i should focus on. Let's just hope getting annoyed won't distract my mind and no hope was used as a figure of speech there lol. My only issue at the moment is being annoyed at people around me; acting stupidly because im annoyed. I don't think i should even be that annoyed at the epicenter of my situation because i do not believe it to be morally right to act harshly because you didn't get something - those times where you should are really the times when your rights and beliefs are being compromised. So let's just focus on getting that balance - that yin and yang so to speak.

Anyways, as for other stuff, I recorded myself playing guitar. It's a strange experience....it makes me cringe out of embarrassment because of the really rough style - and that's being euphememistic. But there are moments that im particularly proud of though so i can't say it was all bad. What i really want to work on is trying to learn some songs - Hendrix being my influence for that. Listening to these rare recordings really gets me going; it makes me want to pick the guitar and lose myself in the beat laid out. I want to get better. I want to improve. I want to surpass myself, in every possible way - as a player, human, contributor to society, etc. It really hit me when i was walking back today, when Hendrix's sonic recordings really just struck a chord. He is a legend for VERY good reason afterall. If i can find that rhythm to play without worry and stiffness, then i think i'll be happy with my achievement. Im slowly getting there, but i've not mastered it by far.

I think that's enough for today though. Live life and be merry - don't give up on your beliefs or principles because someone wants you to be something you're not.

Sayonara folks.